It’s The News!

Approved by celebrities such as Paris Hilton, Anna Kournikova and Maria Sharapova, It’s the News is back. And it’s as mundane as ever.

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News Special: selected LIVE updates from our full coverage of The Libya Crisis, from a British perspective:

Tuesday, 12.04: British citizens remain stranded in Libya. Cameron has now pledged to bring our British people home. Violence is ongoing.

Wednesday, 13.54: Rescue operation of British people from Libya gets off to slow start as British airlines are poorly prepared for unprecedented emergency. Full inquiry promised into lack of plans for “unprecedented emergency.” Violence is ongoing.

Thursday 21.54: Flight from Libya returns. British passengers say the treatment in the airport and on the flight was atrocious. “It was almost like a war zone,” says one British passenger. Violence is still ongoing.

Friday 9.46: Conservative government apologises profusely to British citizens for slow evacuation. “There is no bigger priority for our government than finding out why those planes carrying British people were so slow,” says British Foreign secretary. Violence is escalating.

Saturday 22.34: Scottish/British oil workers rescued from Libyan desert by British Hercules flights. Most British citizens are now safely out of the country. Violence is now enormously prevalent but, as the British have mostly gone, my editor’s told me to stop wasting bandwidth updating this.

Sunday: 15.44: Four British citizens presumed dead in Christchurch Earthquake. Overall death toll a couple of hundred, or something like that. There’s violence in Libya still?


Allegations of Police Brutality in Student Protest arrests

Protesters in Cambridge demonstrating against the government cuts have accused the police of using brutal tactics during the arrest of a student. A spokesperson for the protesters said: “We totally abhor the disgusting use of pepper spray and a headlock in the arrest of one of our fellow protesters. As demonstrators come under fire from sniper rifles, artillery and fighter jets in Libya, we think this act demonstrates how we in Britain have to take as much brutal terror from our fascist, legally accountable police force as the Libyans do from Gaddafi’s mercenaries.”

College Exiles Students in Disgusting Experiment

Next year, 10 Robinson students will have to live on Mill Road, at least 20 minutes from the college site, as part of a disgusting experiment. Dr Karl Brandt, Senior Tutor, said: “We’ve decided to undertake this dubious experiment to see if Cambridge students can avoid suffering poorer grades when forced to take more than a 10 minute walk to the shops, their faculty building, or their libraries. It’s shocking, I know, but maybe it’ll just encourage self-centred students to think about what normal life is like anywhere else in the country.”



“Ah, ah, ah, ah staying alive, staying alive …”


And in the paper edition of “It’s the News”, which, when used properly, forms an integral part of the Ikea tramp bedding range

National News

Universities will look “silly” if they charge £9,000 fees, according to Universities minister (pg 16-17)

Liberal democrats look “silly” for pledging free University education, according to the general public (pg17-18)


Controversy over Brian Ashton “swan dive” is further proof of Rugby’s inherent dullness (pg18-19)

Olympic tickets to go on sale in March: beach volleyball enquiries strangely high (pg19-20)


The King’s Speech wins Oscar for “Most Stereotypical Interpretation of British Life” (pg20-21)

Beyonce, U2 and Coldplay to headline the most middle class Glastonbury ever (pg 21-22)


Masterchef: Thursday, 7pm, BBC 1

This week, Greg Wallace eats a lot of pudding quickly.

BBC News 24: 24 hours a day, BBC News Channel

Watch in amazement as news happens, whilst baffled presenters fail to offer anything useful to coverage of the action until about seven hours after the crisis has happened.