Hardy Cubasch

HARDY CUBASCH is your wingman in this week’s column, with five Boathouse bachelors to get your heart boat-racing

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It is around this time every year that a familiar problem is raised amongst the finer sex in the beloved little village that is Cambridge. Just where are all the men? In a university filled with some of the finest renaissance models, displaying talents in the academic, arts, and sporting domain, surely there must be an abundance of eligible bachelors just ripe for the picking. Sadly it appears this just isn?t the case. Tales of gorgeous women being left desperate and dateless fill The Tab every February. It is the same headline each year. There are simply too many women and not enough men within the University. So, armed with The Tab’s Love Survey facts and figures about just what our lovely ladies are after, I went out to try and do my little part to rectify this romantic imbalance…

Last week saw the final 5 kilometre selection ergo of the season and preliminary crews were selected to race at the British Universities long distance time trial later that weekend. It was only on the long bus journey home that I came to realise just how many lonely hearts there were within the CUBC. Many spoke about forgoing Valentine’s Day celebrations because of testing, while others had simply been too under the pump with coursework and training to be able to look for ‘the one’. Contrary to many misconceptions,  a majority of the squad don?t enjoy the benefit of having their farming books read to them within the walls of the Land Economy faculty and are left with little time in between work and rowing to find true love.

So without further ado, here are lonely hearts of the CUBC for 2011. They are intelligent, popular, hopefully very fit and most of all they have a sense of humour, very kind hearts and are definitely unique. That’s every quality our fine Cambridge women are after, met by these five lovely gentlemen. Ladies, you?ll be happy to know that contact details are included so no middlemen or gatekeepers can be blamed for hampering your quest. The ball is now well and truly in your court, so seize the moment and claim your man. For the rest of you, have a little fun, cast a vote and help decide just who is the ultimate catch, and in the process also revealing the biggest dud…

Bachelor 1: George Brown

Brown Town: The Boy Band Heart Throb

With his baby faced, boy-band good looks, you’d be forgiven for thinking you?re at the Nickelodean Kids? Choice Awards instead of the banks of the Cam when you first bump into this heart breaker. However, don?t be deceived by appearances. A farmer boy at heart, this Sidney Sussex playboy is just at home on the dais winning national poultry shows (exhibiting his families rare breed of chickens) as he is sharking his way around what he refers to as the “…fields of opportunity at Life”. Be sure to grab this one while he is still, if only just, a sweet and innocent little lad from the country.

Email: [email protected]

Bachelor 2: David Nelson

Outback Dave and his old man in 1999

The Times recently headlined him as the Light Blues’ own Crocodile Dundee. The man from the land down under has come a long way since his youth in the outback of Normanton in North West Queensland. Riding horses and trail bikes mustering live stock, hunting feral pigs and often relocating troublesome crocs and snakes, must seem like a lifetime ago for the now 27 year-old Cambridge economist and current stroke of the Blue Boat. A former banker with RBS, he is currently waiting for his hot stock tip, Texon Petroleum, to sky rocket, so he can return to his big game roots.

Email: [email protected]

Bachelor 3: Dan Rix-Standing

Enjoys lawn tennis, sailing and moonlight walks by the river

Has limbs so long a special Blue Boat has been made to contain him. This fine young British gentlemen has yet to find the one, arguably due to his unique ability to suddenly disappear when side on. A former national opera singer, he continues to search the corridors of St. Cats for “…an english rose, to be my eagerly anticipated first and hopefully last…” before he reaches the rapidly approaching big 2.1. With the stamina of a thoroughbred, a good teacher is all it will take for Mr. Innocent to learn how to put his natural ?levers? to other productive uses.

Email: [email protected]

Bachelor 4: Josh Pendry

A picture speaks a thousands words

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Just who this man is, no one really knows. He could just as easily be caught by Tab TV lurking down a dark alley on a Sunday night as he could be strutting down a catwalk during Fashion Week. Some say he lives under some abandoned stairs around the Sedgwick Site, however, supposedly he is a student of the sciences. Others say he’s a regular at Midsummer House where he is in the constant companion of adoring ladies, both young and old. The enigma of the CUBC, one thing is certain, this man is a catch.

Email: [email protected]

Bachelor 5: Geoff Roth

Lonely Bear

Now what would a bachelor list be without the Cambridge Casanova himself? The days of this Californian Great White Shark patrolling the dance floor of Life are now a distant memory and instead, this cute and cuddly Bear is waiting for a life partner to go into hibernation with. A seat in the Canadian Olympian Team beckons as does a position with one of the City?s high street banking firms. As he readily admits, the only thing that remains now is finding his true love “…there?s no doubt about it, life will be swell eh.”

Email: [email protected]

So there you have it ladies. The finest young men that are hidden away within the confines of the CUBC. Only four weeks remain until the Boat Race, then these lonely hearts will have countless hours to spend frolicking in the fields or punting down the Cam. Let the voting begin and let us see who Cambridge believes would be their dream man.