It’s The News!

Government backs down over Forest Sales

Campaigners have been celebrating the government’s decision to end the consultation process into the proposed sale of Britain’s forests to private owners. A government spokesman told reporters: “We believed that, on account of the huge unpopularity of our policy amongst the public, we should drop the idea completely and really represent the democratic will of the people.” When asked whether this would apply to the public opposition to the Big Society, NHS Reform or education cuts, the spokesman replied: “Don’t be silly.”

Western Governments Concerned over Middle East Stability

Revolutions in Tunisia and Egypt, as well as unrest in Bahrain, Libya and Iran, has led to a cautious response by Western leaders. A source in the U.S. State department said: “Everyone is of course in favour of democracy in the world. But when this threatens valuable strategic interests such as oil supplies, the operation of the Suez Canal and access to holiday resorts then we have to lend our support behind those stable, repressive dictatorships that make our lives easier.”

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Cambridge Scientists Gain Insights into Flock Behaviour

Two Cambridge scientists have learnt of intelligence amongst predominantly group creatures. Dr Laura Avanzo and Dr Jennifer Morton stumbled across the discovery on a night out. They said: “drinking society members live in a flock and when they are in the flock they are rather silly. By themselves, however, it turns out they don’t dress like pathetic schoolboys, act like arseholes and suck each others’ cocks ritualistically and they’re alright to get along with.”

Fitzbillies Shuts

In news that has upset students, the popular cake shop and restaurant Fitzbillies has suddenly closed down following financial difficulties. Pembroke second year linguist Attri Butable-Quote said: “The closure of Fitzbillies has really hit me hard. It’s been hard to empathise about the economic problems in the wider world while insulated in the Cambridge bubble. However, the closure of an overpriced cake shop with a completely white middle class demography has finally made me feel the same pain that’s probably being felt by people in the North who’ve just lost their jobs.”

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IMAGE OF THE WEEK

“And this is how I pleasure two women at once!”

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And now for the paper edition of It’s the News, which comes with exclusive interactive content such as: the possibility of physically turning the page

National News

BBC Probe Real Hustle for Scamming Viewers: Irony Celebrates Triumphantly (pg 8-9)

1,900 invited to Royal Wedding: competition to sleep with the bridesmaid to be more fierce than usual (pg 9 -11)

Culture

Comment: Arcade Fire’s Brit Award Win Goes Completely Against the Brit Awards Ethos of Sponsoring Shit (pg12-13)

Police Records Show Caravaggio Was “A Massive Lad” (pg13-14)

Sport

England Confident of Regaining “Massive Chokers” Title at One Day World Cup (pg14-15)

Bernie Ecclestone considers cancelling Bahrain GP: Fan Groups Prey He Does For the Sake of Entertainment (pg15-16)

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Tool Academy, E4, Monday, 10pm

Documentary series following the life of the members of the Hawks’ Club. This week, the tools indulge in an after dinner head butting competition.

The Tudors, BBC 2,  Saturday, 10.30pm

In this week’s episode, Henry executes historical accuracy on screen before indulging in an orgy of over the top sex scenes.