It’s The News!
Feeling the Week 4 apathy? So. Am. I.
Cameron Defends Big Society Idea
David Cameron has launched a passionate defence of the Big Society, rejecting claims that it is little more than a smokescreen for government cuts. Writing in The Observer, Mr Cameron said: “Of course the Big Society isn’t just a shield for government cuts. It’s also a shield for rampant irresponsible privatisation, the abdication of social responsibility by the state and my blatant Thatcherism.”
Ed Balls Warns of ‘Dangerous Game’
In an interview for the Andrew Marr show, Ed Balls warned the country of the problems of the ‘dangerous game’ it’s currently involved in. Mr Balls commented: “We’ve all had fun electing Ed Miliband as Labour leader and watching him flounder, but if the economy does go down the pan and we do toss out the Coalition government, do we really want that big-conked, nasally-voiced, pathetic excuse of a man running our country? We’re playing a dangerous game with our national credibility here.”
Cambridge to make University life easier for poorer students
Cambridge University has announced a groundbreaking scheme to make student life easier for students from poorer backgrounds. The Working Group in charge of the proposals said: “We’ve worked out a perfect system for poorer students. Basically, we halve their maintenance bursary so they decide that, even before paying fees, it’s too expensive for them to meet basic living expenses at university without another loan, so we make sure that they don’t bother aiming high in the first place. Fantastic stuff, eh?”
Build Up to Lent Bumps Gathers Pace
In the Men’s division, Caius, Queens and Downing M1s will be looking to move up the ladder as they have been rowing very quickly lately. However, Jesus and First and Third M1s will be worried about moving down as they’ve been rowing slowly recently. In the Women’s division, Downing, Newnham and Christs W1 will be looking to move up the ladder as they have been rowing very quickly lately. However, First and Third and LMBC W1s will be worried about moving down as they’ve been rowing slowly recently.
Prediction: The rowers that row quickly will do well and the rowers who row slowly will do badly. Everyone who isn’t a boatie will continue to ignore this relentlessly dull yet never-ending topic of conversation.
This week’s paper edition of “It’s the News”, which features real ink, which is a bit like the stuff you get in a Kindle:
World Leaders celebrate deposition of Mubarak after 35 years of internationally supported despotism (pg 17-19)
Malaysian government warns Muslims that Valentine’s Day is a “trap”. Men worldwide convert to Islam (pg 20)
Colin Firth nominated for two Baftas for his performance of Colin Firth in The King’s Speech (pg 21)
Brit Award Winners Announced Tonight: Still as talentless as two weeks ago (pg 22)
Stoke vs Birmingham sets new World Record for “Most Boring 93 Minutes in the History of the World” (pg 23)
Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents, BBC 3, Thursday, 10pm
In Thailand this week, Florence-Rose goes out on the town in search of alcohol while Gideon attempts to find a bit of puff for his mates to get off their face with.