It’s The News!

Slap me down and call me Charlie, here comes the satire!

Cambridge curry George Osborn helmand province it's the news! Mahal peas hill RAG Bling Date secret diary of a call girl six nations rugby

David Cameron: “Multiculturalism has failed”

Prime Minister David Cameron has rejected multiculturalism in favour of rebuilding a British National character. Speaking to assembled journalists, Mr Cameron said: “Multiculturalism has failed, as it has failed to protect us from the violence of terrorism. As a result, we plan to replace it with a new focus on national identity which, to my knowledge, has never been implicated as a cause of terrorism, global conflict or genocide, ever.”

Assange would be “denied justice” if extradited

Lawyers for Julian Assange have claimed that any attempts to extradite him to Sweden will result in a miscarriage of justice. Geoffrey Robertson QC, speaking at Belmarsh Magistrates Court in London, claimed: “If my client was extradited to Sweden, there would be far less chance of him going to prison for heroically leaking confidential state secrets, due to the difficulty in extraditing from Sweden to the US, and he could instead be banged up for sex crimes. This would prevent the bloodless martyrdom my client so greatly wants to boost his book sales and media profile. Frankly, that’s not justice.”

Theatre Reviews

Critic Toby Ornott-Obi provides one line reviews of the week’s theatrical events for disparaging use in the ADC bar:

– The Pin: Far from the sharpest comedy I’ve seen!
– Spring Awakening: It couldn’t jolt me from my slumber!
– Much Ado About Nothing: It was hardly worth the hype!


Peas Hill “Helmand Province” of Cambridge

The release of the government’s new crime maps has led to Peas Hill being labelled the “Helmand Province” of Cambridge. In the past year, there have been 127 reported incidents of crime on the street, including: suicide bombings, regular discovery of daisy chain IEDs and running gun battles between Islamic Militants and the British Army. A local policeman warned students to avoid the area and instead take other routes where the terrifying crimes of: bike theft, pick pocketing and minor anti-social behaviour occur instead.

Night Out at Mahal ends in Shocking Behaviour

A swap at The Mahal last night passed off without violence, drunken behaviour and/or criminal damage, sources indicate. After meeting at the restaurant at 8pm, the swap attendees proceeded to eat their dinner in an orderly fashion, moderate their alcohol consumption and leave on friendly terms, without any occurrence of sexual assault. One of the waiters was visibly disgusted by their actions: “this is just wrong,” he said. “I love cleaning up vomit, curry and beer stains from the floor. I hope this trend for politeness doesn’t spell the end of the subhuman treatment I enjoy being on the receiving end of day in day out.”


And in this week’s paper edition of ‘It’s the News,’ which is exclusively written by people who think that only news in The Bubble should be commented on by the Cambridge Student Press:

Domestic News

Cameron announces some law about privatising forests. There are no important ones near Cambridge so nobody cares (pg42)

Clegg and Miliband clash over their visions for the British Economy: not as important as Sally Cooper pulling a munter in Cindies though! (pg43)

Foreign Affairs

Violence in Egypt causes airport chaos. MML students have to fly home (pg 44)


Transfer Window Madness: Spanish Man worth £50million, yet has no discernible rowing talent (pg 46)

Pakistan Cricketers face corruption charges: Yawn-orama! (pg 47)


Six Nations Rugby, BBC, Friday – Sunday

Who will emerge victorious this year? Frankly, outside of the Russell group going middle class, no-one gives a damn about the annual fat man shuffle fest and will be watching Premier League football with the rest of the world instead.

Secret Diary of a Call Girl, ITV2, Tuesday 10pm

Billie Piper returns for one final series of prime time whacking off material. Don’t miss out, while you can last.



Are you a relatively attractive female with a small amount of money and a desire to help society? With RAG Blind Date, you can do just that. For a one off fee of just £5, you can sponsor a male rower and teach him the social skills he’ll need to one day pull someone who knows little of the River Cam.

After receiving a personalised and crudely scrawled card from your rower, you’ll be taken out by him for an evening. You should impart wisdom upon him. Teach him about: the existence of non-rowing conversation, the value of arts degrees and the boundaries of appropriate sexual behaviour.

You have the chance to change someone’s life by making them moderately less boring. With RAG Blind Date, you can help make Cambridge a better, less socially awkward place.