Interview: Sarah Symonds

“I’ve had all types of affairs – the type where you think you want to die and then the type where you’re not in love and you’re in control and it suits you.’ LAURA EDWARDS talks to controversial ‘infidelity expert’ SARAH SYMONDS

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Sarah Symonds: the world’s first and only ‘Infidelity and Relationship Analyst’ prides herself on helping women get out of toxic relationships. Her expertise comes from lessons learned as one of the media’s most notorious mistresses with  famous notches on her bedpost including her seven-year affair with Gordon Ramsay, and Tory MP Lord Archer.

She doesn’t shy away from her past: ‘My name’s Sarah and I’m a recovering mistress,’ she jokes. But her underlying message is more serious: ‘I’ve had all types of affairs – the type where you think you want to die and then the type where you’re not in love and you’re in control and it suits you. So that’s my message: don’t do it, but if you’re going to, at least be smart about it and think and act like a man.

So how did it all start? ‘When I was [your age] I didn’t even really know what sex was, I didn’t like sex – there wasn’t Facebook, there wasn’t even Google.’ At 22 she went to live with her brother in Abu Dhabi.  ‘It was like Vegas of the Middle East.’ she explained, ‘everyone had loads of boyfriends and girlfriends and didn’t have stable relationships, so I think it didn’t help.’

I was dying to ask Sarah why she had had so many affairs. In brutally honest fashion she explains: ‘The thing about some married men is that they are very charismatic. At that period of time in my life I was on the London party circuit and these were the men I was bumping into. I never met the ‘guy next door’, and even if I did, I probably wouldn’t recognize him.’

So, what is life as a ‘mistress’ actually like? According to the infidelity expert herself, distinctly unglamorous:  ‘I’ve never been around a guy who has any time for me. For instance, I’ve never spent Christmas with a guy.

‘When you’re the other woman you’re never really in control, you’re waiting for the phone to ring…you’re either not making plans or ditching your girlfriends because you want to be available to see the guy, who really doesn’t put you first ever. It’s really dysfunctional behaviour, but when you’re in it, you’re in it, and if you’re in love, it’s worse. Its self-sabotaging.’

Sarah spoke particularly about her relationship with Gordon Ramsay who she describes as ‘a liar, who still won’t own up to the truth to this day. He’s a name that I’m associated with that obviously makes me more interesting.’
She also revealed that her former lover Jeffery Archer would dress her up in disguises so they wouldn’t be caught together: ‘The bodyguards had to bring me into the hotel in a big furry hat and overcoat – it was June!’

Sarah dealt with the stigma of being a mistress by writing a best-selling but controversial guide, Having An Affair? A Handbook For The Other Woman, after the breakdown of an explosive relationship with a ‘mysterious’ Mr. X. Sarah reassured me that despite the title, and the endless ‘tips’ that she gives to women on how to get the most out of an affair, it’s not a how-to but a ‘why the hell are you doing this girl? – Get out of it!’ guide. Naturally, since its inspiration was her ‘most intense affair with a man who was the love of my life…he smashed my heart to pieces and I thought – I can either pick myself up or go under – I have to write a book to try and help women not go through what I’m going through.’

Unsurprisingly her outlook on marriage is bleak:  ‘I’ve seen so much of the bad side of marriage – how men throw away their vows, how they cheat on their wives; I’ve got no regard for marriage… what I’ve learnt from my mistressing days is that mistresses make for great wives… We’re better in bed, we’re good in the kitchen, and we’re good at communicating because we’re always in competition with other women.’

Why are all these celebrity men with beautiful successful wives on the market anyway, I ask. ‘It’s simple – you show me a beautiful woman and I’ll show you a man who is tired of sleeping with her,’ came the immediate answer. ‘Men, especially male celebrities, have got egos the size of London, and it’s so easy for them to cheat as they live in a world where morals don’t matter. Then eventually you get tired of covering for men who are lying and are trying to protect their image that, quite frankly, they don’t deserve.’

And while her previous lifestyle may be frowned upon, Sarah would probably hold her hands up and join you in doing so: ‘I look at my past almost with humour – if you don’t laugh at my life you’d cry.’

And just when I was beginning to think that pursuing my old and married supervisor just might be the easy option in life…

Sarah Symonds will be speaking at the Union Society as part of the ‘This house would not get married’ debate on 10th February.