Tom Davenport

Little is known about Kate Middleton’s new fiancée, but TOM DAVENPORT brings you all the facts he can muster about the engagement of the A-list socialite.

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Tom Davenport was due this week to write the second instalment of his account of an evening at the Mahal Restaurant. Current events, however, have taken us all by surprise. As one of the foremost columnists and social reviewers in the UK, Davenport could not possibly shrink from the responsibility of covering the historic engagement of the London socialite and A-list celebrity Kate Middleton to her boyfriend. Davenport strode forth with characteristic aplomb onto the smoky battlefield that is this difficult and controversial subject. Below is his account:

Little is known about Middleton’s new fiancée. In the elite circles of people who know these things, he is generally thought to be German and therefore called Wilhelm. Whatever his name, he has been widely accused of being a ruthless social climber with no money or status of his own. ‘This guy is just a massive social climber,’ said one noble citizen. Some commentators have commented. Others have declined to say anything at all.

Of the commentators who have commented, some have claimed that Kate Middleton is actually called Griselda. Others have remained silent on this issue. Others claim that it does not actually matter what her name is and that what is more important is that she is a woman. Gay rights activists have accused these commentators of being homophobic.

Many have expressed surprise at the extent of the public reaction to Middleton’s engagement. ‘I just can’t understand why everyone is getting so worked up about the whole thing,’ said one willing contributor. ‘I suppose she is pretty fit,’ interjected another. ‘I suppose she is,’ screamed the first, furiously.

A media frenzy has already begun surrounding the unconfirmed identity of Middleton’s fiancée. A small army of private detectives has been put on the case, funded by newspapers and wealthy patrons of celebrity culture. Professional speculators have speculated that the mystery man could be in fact not German at all but an obscure member of the British aristocracy. These wanton characters have been mercilessly ridiculed in public by the people who know about these things (see above).

It is thought that Middleton will announce the real identity of her mysterious man (or woman) within the next week. The nation is waiting with baited breath to discover whether or not he (or she) is actually called Wilhelm. No doubt if he is, there will be an outburst of pro-German sentiment as a result of which, there will be a significant increase in UK sales of Haribo.

Middleton has announced that they will be hosting an engagement supper for close friends and family at The Mahal Restaurant in Cambridge.