An Interview with Gabriel Latner, as told to DECLAN CLANCY.
Shalom! Gabriel Latner here, talking to Declan Clancy about my contentious life-time ban from the Union after I allegedly abused a speaker at the debate last week, ‘This house believes Israel is a rogue state.’
That rogue, President James Counsell, has bloody banned me from the Union! So I’ve been reduced to standing outside of it having my picture taken by Varsity observing some absolutely hilarious skylarks. At least I hope they were skylarks and not Palestinian fighter jets. If they were, I’d have to get out trusty old Hammy (my hammer) and nail those mothers to the fucking wall. I’d go MOSSAD on their asses. For all you civvies, that means Men On Super Secret Army Days. MOSSAD can do basically anything. But it’s only for real men; like me. When I was on army tour I had to rearrange Major’s flowers every day and that takes fucking balls. I bet James Counsell’s never rearranged a bunch of petunias just 100 miles from the Palestinian border.
All this Union stuff started about 10 days ago. I was walking along through Market Square and fancied a snack, so thought I’d try out some of this falafel lark everyone keeps talking about down at shul. Cheeky bastard on the stall mentioned something about Hummus to me. How dare he bring up those terrorist scum! Needless to say, I went fucking spare and told him I was gonna nail him to the fucking stall. Chickpeas were scrummy, however.
Things got even worse when they had run out of chicken soup in hall. Needless to say, I had to nail the fucking soup pot to the wall. I hadn’t been this angry since playing randoms on Fifa and I got Maccabi Haifa three times! Everyone knows it’s all about Halpeol Tel Aviv. Urrgh.
Got back to my room to find housekeeping going apeshit on my ass. Not at all happy with me; I’ve been doing a bit of superficial redecoration, installing plenty of lovely pictures and a few necessary shelves on the walls. Anyway, apparently you’re not supposed to be using six inch spiral shanks in a mid-18th century set. How am I supposed to know anything about the structural integrity of mid-18th century buildings? I know stuff about army, nails, and the upkeep of Major’s petunias. Who the fuck is Peter anyway? It’s not his house; it’s my house. If he wants to start, I will fucking nail him to the wall. Which housekeeping probably will complain about again. Bah! This is more circular than the Middle Eastern question.
So let me fill you in on what happened at the Union. Think it was my greatest mission ever. On recon on the walk back from lectures and I see this “Israel is a rogue state” rally going on. Using my super smart army skills I decided to stake it out. Sat in a bush down Portugal Place for about 53 hours straight. Got pissed on by a couple of Blues, and think someone may have had sex in or around me. But us MOSSAD types have to go through that all the time. Had plenty of tuna sandwiches to keep me going. Next thing I know, I’ve got a place on the speaker stand! Bit surprised to see a bird up there, but I suppose it’s the 21st century now. Hummus’ don’t usually employ yats, but I suppose drastic times, drastic measures and all that.
Anyway, gave her a bit of a chat (which didn’t go down well) and then Counsell got his hands on me. I could have killed him with my secret army stare but I was a little bit tired after 3 days in a bush so decided to call it a night. But he has totally disregarded the Union Constitution. I mean it’s right there, nailed to the fucking wall. Well I took it down and was on my way to show it to the President Elect when Counsell cornered me. Mentioned something about Article 5.4 being anti-Israeli propaganda. The shitmunchers! Needless to say, I pulled out Hammy and nailed it to the fucking wall. Counsell for some reason looked pretty pleased, but I didn’t have time to hang around and wonder why. I’d just got a call from Major; they’re enrolling me in something called Hero Squad.
***For those of you without a sense of humour or the intelligence of trained chimp, Latner didn’t write this article. He’s not that funny. He did, however, ask for this line to be put in, verbatim.***