Rich Bitch

Meet Rich Bitch, your new Catwalk fashion queen. She has the looks, the style and, most importantly, Daddy’s credit card. Her style motto is more, more, more. With sequins. She is Cambridge’s answer to Paris Hilton and has the adventurous attitude to fashion to match. Read on to find how why she considers designer birds and Louis Vuitton denim bras an absolute necessity this term…

Dear readers, I am so stressed. Preparation for the summer term must begin yesterday. And Darlings, the pressure is horrendous. These last few weeks have been work, work, and more work. It has been weeks since my last tropical snake massage and I haven’t had a session with Saul, my Hasidic spiritual healer who I met in Phi Phi for simply days. ‘Exams’, I hear you mutter, oh no. The reason for my stress is my summer wardrobe. Girls, boys, supervisors, bedders, look to me for the next trend, or the latest style secret. Goodness, even Steven Hawking could do with some sage advice. I like to think of myself as the fashionista’s Buddha; the thinking girl’s Dalai Lama.

Firstly, I was shocked to discover that pet fashion has completely changed. Tiny pug dogs are so 2009, the new thing is doves. Ever since I saw the adorable creatures perched all over Lara Stone in the Louis Vuitton adverts, I have been able to think of nothing else. Sadly, doves are a nightmare to track down; I have had to settle on a parakeet. But I shall soldier on; I have named him Mercutio II, after my childhood pony. He is the perfect accessory to a gown, it’s so Harry Potter.

But the rest of  my week one wardrobe is far from complete; I have only just decided upon a theme. Mummy suggested ‘World War Two Dairy Farm-Girl’, but war is so passé, and after spotting Keira and Sienna in Notting Hill wearing matching leather Celine T-shirts and those simply ravishing new Louis Vuitton denim bras, I eventually decided upon a mash-up of Jake Gylennhaal in Brokeback Mountain, and…what’s his name? Dita Von Teese. It’s all about denim, leather, denim, and then more leather. I think I’ll name my week one style, ‘Cowboy on a revolving metal pole’. Now all I need is a Swarovski riding crop (do they make those?) and some plaid suspenders and I’ll be sorted for First Night Fez.