Miss B Talks Dirty: The Quickie
The Tab’s new sex columnist, Miss B, shares her secrets to exam term sex.
I am here to explore in weekly instalments all things sexy – from quick fixes to long term relationships, positions to fact finding inquisitions, and from fun things to do in bed, to things that make you cringe so much you want to hide under the bed. Sexciting, n’est pas?
Exam season is upon us. You may have spent all year finding that boy or girl friend, friend with benefits or fuckbuddy, (or if you’re at St Johns, cousin) to have lots of noisy, naughty fun with. After all that effort, you now have terrifying amounts of ‘proper’ work to do.
You have considered giving up toilet breaks and blinking to save time; 3 hour long, bridge building, life affirming sex sessions are out of the question. But, sex is an important part of a relationship, and neglecting it can cause short tempers, feelings of neglect and resentment, and that irritating sexually frustrated knee-jiggling thing. As if we will need anything else to piss us off this Easter Term.
Mastering the art of the Quickie will prove as crucial as an effective filing system, or acquiring a taste for Red Bull in keeping you sane til June.
The How To Guide
Unsexy though it sounds, you have limited time, so preparation is key. Guys, make sure it’s not her time of the month and if she isn’t pre-warned, don’t expect shaved legs (it’s exam term after-all). Please, wear deodorant (it is exam term, not the apocalypse). Lube is always good idea if it’s going to be speedy. DUREX Play is a safe bet –.£3.09 from Boots for 50ml, a little bit more for Cherry or Pina Colada. Don’t wear anything difficult to take off, like tights, skinny jeans, or lace up knee high PVC boots, (you kinky thing you). A sext earlier in the day can help all of this happen, plus the anticipation is a real turn on, and every little counts when skipping any semblance of foreplay.
Once there, go for your fail safe position. You know what it is. Now is not the time for experimentation. That said, if it normally takes him a while, try something that restricts the width of the vagina, for a firmer grip on the penis. Easy picks are the missionary with her ankles crossed behind his neck, or doggy style, with knees as close together as she can.
A quick kiss and a cuddle, put your clothes on and go do some work you naughty skiving children. If you must have a post-coital cigarette, may I suggest you do it on the walk back to the library. Goodness, wasn’t that easy.
Kim*, 1st Year Historian sings the Quickie’s praises: great for her, perhaps less great for her neighbours:
“I’m a big fan, my boyfriend and I have one before bed most nights, but we make sure to change it up so it doesn’t get boring. A quickie is a fun way to end the day: it doesn’t take too long, and since I’m already so tired from a hard day of revision, a burst of sexercise is enough to ensure a good night’s sleep.”
So it’s convenient, it doesn’t cut into revision time too much and you still get to have sex: what’s not to love?
Darlings, sadly there are a few things. Firstly, girls need on average 25 minutes of foreplay to achieve orgasm, so if quickies are all you do, she’s going to be losing out. Of course orgasm doesn’t have to be the objective of a quickie. They can be for sexual pleasure, which, trust me on this, does exist without the climax, expression of attraction, or just a bit of exercise. But, boys, make sure you do something nice for her at some point. And I’m not talking flowers.
Secondly, wham-bam-thank-you-mam sex is definitely fun, but it can lack intimacy. For those in a relationship, why not use your revision breaks for some old fashioned kissing or hand holding? That way when you want to get hot, bothered and finished in 12 minutes flat, nobody feels used.
And thirdly, there can be too much of a good thing. Two words: friction burn. You have been warned.
Best of luck with revision, stay safe and enjoy the ride.
Have a saucy story to share with Miss B? Email [email protected]
*Names have been changed.
Illustrations by Tasha Sales