Tell Me Something True

It’s confession time again. I asked readers to send me in three sentences; one revealing something shocking about themselves, the other two being complete bullshit. See what we found out below, and try to guess which ones are true.

 

No one knows I once kissed my friend’s Dad.
No one knows I slept with my teacher in sixth form.
No one knows I slept with my friend’s brother.

 

My grandfather invented 21s in Tripoli while the going was slow.
I once came on a Roald Dahl signed copy of The Twits.
I took my role as King Herod (in the nativity play) so seriously that I attacked my baby sister.

 

I once masturbated into a salad.
I once pissed on a friend’s back.
I once shat in a Co-operative food store.

 

I’ve shared fashion tips with a Bond girl.
I’ve walked into a Bond girl.
I’ve accidentily spilt food on a Bond girl.

 

I fantasise about my best friend when I’m having sex.
I fantasise about my supervisor when I’m having sex.
I fantasise about Alan Davies when I’m having sex.

 

I cheated in my GCSEs.
I cheated in my A-Levels.
I cheated in my first year exams.

 

I’ve vommed then made out with someone.
I’ve vommed and then had sex with someone.
I’ve vommed whilst having sex with someone.

 

I’ve stuffed raw fish down my pants.
I’ve stuffed a dead mouse down my pants.
I’ve stuffed someone’s toothbrush down my pants (and let them use it later).

 

I’ve slept with two guys in the same night (not a threesome).
I’ve slept with a girl and a guy in the same night separately.
I’ve had a threesome with my best friend.

 

I’ve licked someone’s ass.
I’ve licked the pavement.
I’ve licked a toilet bowl.

 

I’ve had sex in my college library.
I’ve had sex in the toilets at The Mahal.
I’ve had sex on The Backs.

 

I once accidentally killed my hamster.
I ate my pet goldfish when I was younger.
I still have two stick insects (in Cambridge).

 

I stole someone’s coat and wallet in Life.
I stole £5 from my friend’s parents.
I stole a cardboard cutout of Zac Efron from a shop window.

 

I’ve made out with my first cousin.
My grandfather once walked in on me changing.
When I was seven I fancied my brother.

 

I masturbated whilst reading a Shakespeare play.
I masturbated whilst watching the film Beethoven (the one about the dog).
I masturbated when Blue Peter was on television.

 

I’ve cheated on my boyfriend with his best friend.
I’ve cheated on my boyfriend with my best female friend.
I’ve cheated on my boyfriend with my best male friend.

 

I role play with my boyfriend.
I like being spat on during sex.
I like being tied up during sex.

 

The bedder walked in on me having sex.
The bedder walked in on me masturbating.
The bedder walked in on me shaving my pubic hair.

 

I’ve eaten my own vomit.
I’ve drank my own urine.
I’ve eaten my own faeces.

 

I’ve been paid for sex.
I once worked in a strip club (not for long).
I’ve sold drugs to make money.

 

I’ve stolen a tree from Ta Bouche.
I’ve stolen a silver candlestick from Pembroke.
I’ve stolen a bottle of wine from Sainsburys.

 

My girlfriend doesn’t know I slept with her best friend.
My girlfriend doesn’t know I think I’m gay.
My girlfriend doesn’t know I’ve slept with men in the past.

 

How’s that for a revelation…