Dating Disasters

Whether you've spent the last few weeks dreading February 14th, death-staring all those loved-up couples, or simply been on an awful (RAG blind) date at some point in your life, we've compiled a selection of Tab writers' worst date stories to try and make you feel a little bit better…

– I once went on a date with a charming, good-looking, RAF pilot in his early 20s. All was going extremely well; date was fab; bit of hanky-panky in the cab on the way home but I was adamant there would be no "sealing the deal" that night. He seemed fine with this, but asked, when he dropped me off, whether he could he use the bathroom? I thought nothing of it, said goodnight, pointed him in the right direction, and went to the kitchen to debrief my friends. About twenty minutes later, I returned to my room to find the pilot, in his boxers, patiently waiting in my own bed… Obviously a man who doesn't understand the meaning of "no"!

 
– On the way back to a guy's room, having been on a quite successful "blind date" (getting totally trashed together in Cindies), we interrupted a Christian Union meeting. On abstinence. The judgement alone means I'm definitely going to hell.

 
– I was on a dinner date with a boy, and things weren't going that well. The last straw came when, mid-conversation, he coughed out a huge mouthful of food and it landed in the middle of the table in between us. Revolted, I expected him to apologise. Instead, he picked up the offending item, claiming he was going to "save it for later", and popped it into his pocket where it remained for the duration of the meal. Needless to say, that wasn't very long.

 
– During pillow talk with the guy I'd just lost my virginity to, we somehow got onto the topic of ex-boyfriends and girlfriends. He asked me that eternally undesirable question about my last serious relationship, and I duly responded with some babble about failed teenage romances. When I asked him the same question in return, I was shocked and horrified to hear that his last "serious" relationship had in fact been a marriage, to a woman whom he'd recently divorced. Excellent.

 
– Having decided to split the bill, my date whacked out his phone calculator to work out exactly what I'd had, as well as asking me to pay more of the tip because I'd had an extra drink. And he had already moaned all the way through dinner that he'd forgotten the voucher. Smooth.

 
– When I was about fifteen, I "asked out" this blonde girl who I used to ride the bus home with. By our third date there had still been no "action", so in the flickering light of the cinema screen I decided to lean in for the kiss. I quickly discovered the reason for her reluctance; on catching a whiff of her breath I actually vomited in my mouth. Shocked and horrified, I had no choice but to spit the contents of my mouth onto the floor, and looked up to find a look of pure disgust on her face. That's when I bolted.

 
– I had one date where there was simply nothing more to talk about, the girl was unbelievably boring. So I decided to scare her off using a tactic my mate had taught me: make a tortoise with your hand (you know the one, one hand on top of the other, thumbs protruding either side) and then started opening my mouth really widely and making gagging noises. Understandably, she excused herself to go to the toilet, and I left before she could come back. Pretty shameful.

 
– I had a first date where I decided to go and see a movie that had been described as a "modern Western". It turned out, of course, to be Brokeback Mountain. If you think watching sex scenes when your parents are in the room is awkward, imagine watching hard man love, that you suggested watching, with the girl of your dreams. On your first date.

 
– My worst date experience has to be when I asked a girl out for a meal, only she got completely the wrong end of the stick and came with her boyfriend. It would have been just about okay if I hadn't bought flowers, which I then had to pretend were for my grandmother who was in hospital. Unfortunately the boyfriend's mother worked there, so we had an interesting detailed discussion about which ward she was on!

 
– A couple of years ago, I was on a date with a slightly older man, and it was going pretty well. We'd had several drinks and a couple of hours of relatively interesting conversation. When we got onto the subject of what he did for a living, I was pretty impressed to learn that he was a television producer. At the end of the date, he advised me to "check out" Sky channel 999, as that was where most of his work was aired. Intrigued, I flicked on my television later that evening, only to discover channel 999 went by the name of "Babestation!" and he was, in fact, a producer of pornography.

 
– On my first date with a future boyfriend, we had a few too many drinks and ended up resorting to silly dares. Not comprehending the gravity of his actions, he held a biro pen in the candle flame and challenged me to write a message on his arm. Without thinking about it, I wrote the first thing that came into my head: my name. A year later he still had it scarred into his arm, and I'd been subjected to endless mockery about knowing how to "brand my man". Cringe.

 
– After a great first date with a boy I'd been harbouring a massive crush on, I was flattered when he asked whether I'd like to go "back to his". Obviously intending to preserve my chastity, I nevertheless accepted, thinking we'd have a drink and maybe a cheeky smooch before I went home. I needn't have worried. When we arrived in his living room he proceeded to sit down on the sofa alongside three of his male friends and two brothers and get stuck into the football on the telly. After half an hour of being completely ignored, perching awkwardly on a chair, I made my own way out.

 
– On my first foray into the bedroom of the guy I'd been seeing, we were lying next to each other in post-coital bliss. As I rolled over and got out of bed to go to the toilet, I noticed a bright red thong dangling from his bedside lamp. It wasn't mine.

 
So next time you go out for a meal with a perfectly nice boy or girl, and feel upset because you don't think they're your soulmate, spare a thought for everyone who's had it much, much worse.