Uni Survival Guide: The Break Up

Having mulled over this article for around a week now (possibly giving it far more thought than is warranted) it strikes me as odd that a break up in Cambridge should be any different from a break up at any other uni.

As if being academically gifted isn’t enough for us, we need to have special break ups too.  However, everyone who has ever been through it themselves, or been that indispensable crutch to someone who has, knows that having to deal with a break up on top of the million other things we choose to throw ourselves into can literally tip people over the edge.

Not wanting to deal out excessive amounts of my cold-hearted and emotionally detached bias onto this somewhat sensitive issue, I decided to interview a few friends about their experiences and wangle together some sort of semi-definitive survival guide. For anyone I interviewed thinking “SHIT! All my deepest feelings divulged in confidence are now going to be in the public domain” fear not; I can keep my mouth shut on the few occasions that truly warrant it. Anonymity confirmed and provided, but this way we can all have a lot of fun guessing which idiot broke up with their partner while drunk and forgot all about it in the morning. Fail. Anyway, in the spirit of saving you all from similiar woes heres a 'to- do' list of sorts. Try not to fuck it up yeah?

DO NOT: Make drunken decisions (see above). OK so for people thinking “which idiot did that”, yeah, yeah it was me. Nope I don’t know how I got into Cambridge either. One of the things that goes with the keenness of Cambridge students to ‘get involved’ in anything and everything is the lack of down time to say, get over a break up. One of the people that I interviewed described it as ‘mourning time’, which is perhaps slightly overstated but you get the idea. During the time when this ‘mourning’ is supposed to happen, you’re obviously going to be at your most vulnerable, and so most likely to get drunk, upset and make that fatal 3am phone call begging the ’love of your life’ to take you back. Don’t, just don’t.

DO: Try and break up in the holidays. So this is easier said than done, and may in fact be completely out of your control, but it can’t hurt to try. Linking to the fact that we have little to no down time, splitting up in the holidays solves many of the Cambridge-associated break up problems including: the awkward though inevitable chance meetings, the lack of time to get over it and the feeling of guilt for being a burden on the kindly soul that offers their shoulder at whatsoever time you choose to break into floods. Someone I interviewed said that she broke up with her boyfriend in the holidays because she couldn’t rightly expect her friends to be there to catch her when the emotional fall occurred. Whatever your opinion is on how involved your mates should be in the aftermath of a break up, the pros of holiday breakups, in my (obviously esteemed and informed) opinion far outweigh the cons.

DO NOT (EVER, under ANY circumstances): Date someone in college.  We are all aware of the existence of those dream couples who strike up a romance in week one of fresher term and then go on to the big white wedding. We’re often jealous of them. But honestly, if or when the shit hits the fan, it really hits the fan. And goes EVERYWHERE. Especially after the breakup of one of aforementioned ‘dream couples’, the whole of college, give or take a few clueless individuals, will know about it. This leads to the overwhelming irritation of having to talk about the traumatic event in any social interaction, reliving those last terrible moments where (as in 'The Lion King') you felt like you’d been flung off a cliff into a herd of charging wildebeest. If this sort of chat helps you with ‘closure’ then think about having to see, hear about and know the intimate details about the sex life of the ex (which now doesn’t include you), from the college paper’s gossip column. GRIM.

DO: Keep good relations. Especially important if you read this too late and made the mistake of dating someone in college. I’m not saying be best mates with the ex, or indeed expect anything from him or her, or indeed offer anything that you don’t feel you could rightly expect to be reciprocated. However, unless you wish your name to be riddled with notoriety, in this bubble it’s important not to make enemies. You may find yourself auditioning for an ex,  performing with an ex, or perhaps even applying to work at a May Ball, the committee of which an ex is on. Not that I’d admit to being associated with any of the above situations.

It's all just a bit traumatic really. But don't let that put you off, midst the pain and suffering, between the gossip and cheating and lies, between the dramatic scenes and everyone you know commenting on your sex life, even between the tears and the shouts and the melodrama (Oh! The melodrama) there's hope to be had. Y'know…It might work out. At least for a little while.

I want to leave you with one final piece of advice, and I want to be optimistic, really I do. All things considered however, all the pros and cons weighed up I feel I have to leave you with this. My best final piece of relationship advice, given whole-heartedly: Just Stay Single.