Cambridge Pies

The Tab runs you through this term’s reported debauchery.

cambridge spies Varsity

The Tab runs you through this term's reported debauchery.


Week 1

There’s a new guy at King’s, he sings but he’s got a massive knob so we’ll let him off.

Some thespy type faked cramp to avoid manning up and getting his end away.

This lad pissed on the bar in Fez.


Week 2

Fat lass kicked out of her own bed after a night of gross sex, found in morning by the Bursar having missed her Marticulation photo.

Girl at John’s got a spit roasting.


Week 3

Girton lad can’t handle his booze, ends up crawling around in the curryhouse and downing a pint of shower gel.

Fresher at John’s gets lapdance from group of complete slappers.

Some small boy from Oxford pulled at New Hall, she got bored and ordered him a Taxi.  He still had a boner (not that she noticed).


Week 4

A TV presenter brings back a lad and a bird to his hotel room.  Then kicked out the girl and tried to shag the guy.

Little bitch fresher did a naked lap of the bar, whilst drinking society lads jerked off.

Recent graduate returned to Cambridge for a night on the lash, ended up in Addenbroke’s where he puked all over himself and the  hospital ward.


Week 5

Some Boatie somehow got a girl back to his room, he didn’t shag her though cos he had rowing in the morning.

Two posh boys shat on the library steps.

After a session on the booze, a guy fell into the moat at Trinity.  He got wet.


Week 6 

Twins in bar brawl, both got deaned and are banned from future bops.

This lass got pissed on Champagne in her supervision, and got her rat out, probably. 

A guy pissed in the college bar. He took his costume of fireman too seriously and confused his knob with a hose. 


Week 7

Girl locked boy out of room after shit sex. The Porters lent him a coat. 

Girl wanked off a guy at the Mahal, she vomited all over his cock, probably. 

This guy mistakes the dirty waitress for fat-arsed catering manager.


Week 8

After a swap girl goes back with guy, he pissed on her and blamed her in the morning. 

Someone saw a couple shagging in Christ’s garden. In the bum, probably.

A lad downed a pint of his own piss, and then shagged some desperate bint with self-esteem issues.


Week 9

Girl sticks fingers up a guys bum.A guy pulled four of his friends. Must have been a slow week if this got in.

Girl walked in on her supervisor after he’s just got his end wet.  Lad!