Your Week Revealed…

Another week, another set of fortunes. My skill and prescience should have been proved by the accuracy of last week’s predictions, so I don’t need to bore you with my credentials. Simply read on and penetrate the thick fog of the incredibly imminent future.

Aries, March 21- April 20

A pretentious magazine choice from Borders could bring you unwanted attention. Your essays, however, improve as Spark Notes aligns itself with JSTOR. Grad? The bop will require treading the fine line between experienced sophisticate and lecherous paedophile.

Taurus, April 21- May 21

A sexy supervision could leave you flustered but keep a cool head. As Neptune clashes with Mercury, you will realise whether or not to take the plunge. Remember though that a dental dam is about as sexy as the Cripps Building.

Gemini, May 22- June 21

A trip to the college library links your love life with the letter Q. Make sure you actually remember to renew those books though. Lawyer? Bragging about your faculty will only bring unfavourable comparisons to an airport terminal.

Cancer, June 22- July 22

A chance meeting at the ADC bar could lead to a starring role. Watch out as this may be in a drunken YouTube video rather than next term’s Main Show. As Neptune settles into your deep emotion chart you begin to realise what a prick you look in those Jack Wills trackies.

Leo, Jul 23- August 23

Getting your name in print may bring you a buzz but be careful. Talking incessantly about it could be your downfall. Mathmo? Remember this simple equation: Alcohol+Credit Card= Your overdraft blown on FarmVille objects.

Virgo, August 24- September 22

The influence of the Moon helps you realise that you don’t have to go on every swap possible. A new direction in your life could be the remedy but, if female, stay away from a style makeover. Silver treggings are a bad idea no matter how ironically you wear them.

Libra, September 23- October 23

Mars brings you luck with both sexes, so choose wisely even if you’re not fussy. Stay away from the VKs if your college is older than America as they could bring an inconvenient tryst. The walk of shame is a hell of a lot longer from Homerton.

Scorpio, October 23- November 22

Venus adds several units to your alcohol tolerance just in time for a night of drinking games. Avoid playing I Have Never unless you want everyone to know what you do in the faculty toilets. Equally Truth or Dare could lead to an entry in Cambridge Spies.

Sagittarius, November 23 – December 21

If your cupboard is bare a quick whizz round the market may be answer. Be careful that you don’t just end up with a first edition Sallinger and some kitsch crockery instead though. Single? A trip to a Mill Road shisha cafe could mean you suck more than just a pipe.

Capricorn, December 22 – January 20

Your pennying skills improve markedly this week and as a result Formal is more exciting than usual. Remember not to take a bottle of rosé with you if you are a heterosexual male. A chance glance at High Table could bring with it consequences, good or bad.

Aquarius, January 21 – February 18

You can’t put that deadline off any longer and it seems you’ll have to take the crisis by the horns. Asking an acquaintance for help could bring friendship or perhaps even more. Johnian? The Bridge of Sighs could be appropriately named if you surrender your inhibitions.

Pisces, February 19 – March 20

Venus helps you find lost things but bear in mind that you can’t regain lost innocence. A bike or your lecture notes, however, might turn up somewhere. A figure from your past appears in your regular haunt wearing an embarrassing college scarf.