Tom Davenport’s Strictly Speaking

Reporting the news that everyone else missed.

Irony Ban

In a shocking move by Cambridge University authorities, the use of irony has been banned on the University Campus.

A spokeswoman said ‘levels of irony have become unacceptably high recently, so we have made the decision to instigate a blanket ban on its use until things calm down.’

Students however were outraged. One said ‘irony is a very useful device for never actually saying anything of substance and fundamental to the skills that we learn at this University. I am appalled at this ban, but the law is the law.’

Authorities claim that they were forced to introduce the drastic measure earlier than expected due to a spate of irony-related accidents. ‘It is clear to us that irony is not always dangerous, but we just can’t trust the students to make that judgement’ said a spokesman.

Natural Scientist Katie Higgins is one of the few students to agree with the powers-that-be, having suffered some serious injuries last week in one such irony-related disaster. She said ‘if only people could recognise the safety benefits of this move.’ Katie was admitted to Addenbrookes with serious injuries to the armpits after overhearing a horribly ironic conversation between two Kings students.

Recent studies have found that levels of irony are up to 74% higher in arts students than scientists. The most revealing statistic is that English students suffer a 94% rate of irony usage while Computer Scientists use irony just 0% of the time. As a result, ComScis are in massive danger.



Can we Trust Them?

November 1, 2060

In a controversial move, the UK Grown Up Parliament (GUP) has been allowed to use the chamber of the House of Commons for mock debates during Parliamentary recess of the UK Youth Parliament.

The GUP has not been allowed in the chamber since the famous ban of 50 years ago, following the explosion of the 2010 G20 mass-orgy scandal, which famously involved all 646 MPs.

Following this, the UKYP was installed and subsequently re-elected on grounds of efficiency and honesty.

The Prime Minister, the Rt. Hon Jamie Hobson MP, aged 11, said in a press statement ‘we feel that it is important to let every demographic have their say. Myself and my cabinet welcome this move. It is so easy for those of us who run the country to forget about those age groups which, in parliamentary terms, are frankly irrelevant.’

The Chairman of the GUP, Bordon Grown, was delighted with the invitation. ‘At last, we have the opportunity to show the country that our views do matter and that we are not all sex-crazed money-grabbing power-loving maniacs’.

Protestors have been sighted around Westminster claiming that the adults still can’t be trusted. As has become customary every since the appointment of the hard-line Home Secretary, Baroness Poppy, aged 8, they were all shot dead on the spot by Youth Police Officers.


Formal Hell to Undergo Facelift

Hell is to undergo a radical modernising facelift, a spokesgoblin for the devil has announced.

The genderless beast said ‘Urrgh hargh ininin bo,’ which translates as ‘We are delighted to announce that suits and ties will no longer be compulsory attire for attending hell. Hell was, admittedly, an antiquated institution before.

The Devil’s High Council has identified this as a critical and necessary change. ‘This is a change we can all believe in. At the same time we will be introducing a new outreach program in order to sure up our client base. We feel that many people may have been put off hell in recent years by the stuffy atmosphere.’

It is suspected that hell will be re-branded as ‘Casual Hell.’ The spokesgoblin confirmed that the torturous traditions of shrieking, inedible food and compulsory debauchery will remain in place as official policy.