Aphrodisiacs: The Natural Way

The favourite – and indeed only – food of the Egyptian god Seth, was known to secrete a white milky substance, sacred also to the fertility god Min. Seth took it for his supposed infertility, and his own semen was fed to him in spread over it during a bit of standard incestuous deity infighting. For obvious reasons it has long since been known as a powerful aphrodisiac. The Yazidi people of Iraq consider it taboo due to its incredible potency, and it has been passed down to us today via the Ancient Greeks, Romans, and the Catholic Papacy.

I refer of course to the noble lettuce, which is the first in my investigation of aphrodisiacs.  For years, people have claimed that various foods (and beverages) might serve as a means of arousing flames of passion. We all wish that alcohol worked, but unfortunately as the Scottish Play (Macbeth for the uninitiated)’s drunken Porter tells us, “it provokes the desire but takes away the performance”.

However some certain  substances – lettuce, Viagra, the bile of the sperm whale – have, over the ages, been suggested repeatedly as capable of achieving that lofty aim, and so I take it upon myself to try them (with a reasonably willing co-participant, of course), and judge their relative merits. Although I might have to pass on the Ambergris.

Obtainability: 9/10

After exhaustative research, it appears that the lettuce most likely to have aroused lecherous but droopy Egyptian gods is the Cos lettuce, conveniently available for the rollback price of just one British Pound in ASDA (the organic version, of course, having all the greater semen-like goodness). Lettuce fails to get full marks here because ASDA is far away and Sainbury’s always has massive queues, which may slightly get in the way of effective foreplay. Pre-emptive lettuce buying is recommended.

Ease of Use: 7/10

You stick it in your mouth and eat it. However, rather bland. Not exactly the hardest way to try and improve one’s sexual performance.

Potency: Amazingly, lettuce worked! Without being too graphic, my mind went straight to thoughts of lasciviousness, and stayed there while my nether regions put themselves up to the task. Lovemaking was definitely a more pleasureable experience with a bit of help from a leafy relative of common-or-garden daisy.

No, you’re right, of course it didn’t.  Lettuce is a crap aphrodisiac and if you get to the stage of trying it to get a boner, then medical help is sorely needed. 0/10, no effects felt.  In fact without any dressing or other salad ingredients, the minimal taste available was actually pretty disgusting.

Do come back next week, when I might have got my act together and sourced something with a chance of working.