Hitch’s Guide to Dating

Dear Cambridge,

Dating at university is either a conquest or a process; the people you meet will either play you or potentially be the next best thing that has ever happened to you. Both are valid outlooks on dating and there is a time for each at different stages. For example, after a long drawn out relationship you’re likely to want to spend at least 2 or 3 months eye humping the hottest and most charming that Cambridge has to offer, in the smoking area of Cindies.  Yet after a long string of meaningless conquests, grinding up against drunken and sweaty guys or girls who literally try to eat your face off; you begin to remember how good it felt hanging out with a boyfriend or girlfriend in your trakkies, pulling stupid faces, making sickeningly sweet comments while spooning in the morning time, and pretending that you find their snoring endearing. I don’t deal in flings because little thought is needed, no fireworks are required and even if it doesn’t work it’s no great loss to aphrodite or cupid. I deal with making romance happen, so every week i will discuss a different aspect of dating and creating the best and most memorable impression. This time round, I will cover the basics, to break down the best ways to his or her heart. With May week and the may balls coming up, this could be the perfect opportunity to meet someone who makes you forget about redtube.com or the ice cream waiting for you in the fridge at home.

 
For Men: a guide to sweeping her off her feet

1. Confidence is sexy. Be willing to have an opinion, don’t worry if it is different from hers, debate is good and it shows that you can hold a conversation. If she asks what you want to do, have an answer, know what you want, be decisive and don’t let her walk all over you.

2. Arrogance is a turn off. Even if you think you’re God’s gift to women, never say it, avoid mentioning yourself as being ‘hot’ or ‘the best’ or ‘that people love you,’ – even if you’re joking and being sarcastic.

3. Vanity is not attractive. If she sees you looking in shiny surfaces, playing with or talking about your appearance more than she does, it is not a good sign. Check your image when she’s out of the room, it should appear that you are effortlessly attractive and above all – not self absorbed.

4. Make an effort. This is important, you don’t want  to seem too eager or like you would do anything for them (this impression will signal that you’re wrapped round their little finger – that you are a weak man – and as times goes on they will lose interest in you), but if in an attempt to avoid this, you appear like you are not bothered and expect them to make all the effort – you will never make it to boyfriend material.

5. Be a gentleman. Very few men act like gentleman today and so if a woman finds a man that does, you will be greatly thanked for it. It may feel ridiculous, but if you treat a woman really nicely and with respect, you can pretty much get anything you want. If you have a car, pick her up from home instead of meeting her somewhere. Open the car door for her. On a first date, do dinner instead of the cinema or dvd’s at your house. Open doors for her, or if the door is already open – let her walk through first, whilst gently putting your hand in the small of her back (a gentlemanly move, but it is a very sexy gesture for a woman).

6. Don’t be too keen. Without being a jerk you have to establish a male powerful presence in the relationship. If she doesn’t reply to a text or email, wait until she does, don’t go and text her again. Make sure you tell her how you feel and show that you appreciate her, but don’t be saying it all day long. All through history, even the strongest women have looked to men for comfort and protection. It doesn’t matter that you’re not protecting her from a wild bear, but you have to make her feel like she can come to you and depend on you, that means you can’t be too needy. If you need her, pick your moments, like when something really bad happens or you’re really down, not when you are just bored or a little bit sad.

7.Avoid the dickie factor. It is much easier for guys in Cambridge to get girls because the ratio of many hot girls to few hot guys is in their favour. This whole dynamic has left a collection of incredibly average guys or below average guys thinking that they are the shit, becoming players and treating girls as dispensable. It’s important to have an edge, to be a bit bad, because it keeps women on their toes, this is potentially why these players do so well for themselves; but if a girl can find someone with this edge but who is also a truly nice guy, a gentleman, someone to sweep them off their feet, then they will be yours. The best way to do this would be to compliment her when you see her, walk her to her door after a date without lunging and expecting to bone her, try to avoid sleeping with other people…..just a thought but you might want to consider it, and above all never refer to a woman’s reproductive organs as the gash, fanny, or c**t in front of her.

 
For Women: A guide to the categories of men

1. Football. It might not necessarily be football but you need to figure out what sport he likes and either learn to like it, or give him space to enjoy it. DO NOT call him and expect him to talk when he is watching sport.

Show an interest and try to learn what you can, but if you really don’t understand and he still wants you to watch it with him, do what you have to do to look interested, just don’t spend the whole time asking questions. Limit sport queries to one or two, preferably during half time or an ad break

2. Food. Learn how to cook, or at least perfect one or two really nice meals that you can cook well and one which you know that he likes.

Cooking is not a backward step in the progression and liberation of women, its just simply a nice thing to do when men obviously like food so much. Breakfast in bed is always a winner N.B that doesn’t mean the rabbit food cereal but a full cooked breakfast.

3. Cars. It’s simple. Watch topgear. There is no further advice needed.

4. Sleep. Men love to sleep, and although that may cut into talking time, it does mean that they are more likely to treat you like a goddess when they wake up feeling good. If he says he’s tired, offer to give him a relaxing massage and let him chill out. He can either go to sleep or just relax for a bit, this down time will definetly work in your favour, and you will present yourself as the more laid back woman, less high maintenance and all of his friends will be completely overcome with jealiousy of him when they have to run around after their girlfriends 24/7.

If you’re going to give him a massage, learn what he likes, you could go simple with a hand or foot massage. A short shoulder massage is sure to relax him, but if you have time, make the effort, put some candles out, get some massage oil and give him a full back massage. This may be a little extra effort, but soon he won’t be able to live without you.

5. Other women. It comes as no surprise that men think about women, naked women, getting naked women, or some form of this equation, very often. Many women find themselves overcome with jealiousy at the thought of a man they want, a boyfriend or a husband straying even in his thoughts. The answer is never simple, because you cannot ever have control over them, and if you try to control them, the chances are they will become resentful of your insecurity. So here’s a simple way to make it easier on the both of you.

Make an effort with your appearance. No matter what you look like, if you dress nicely to suit your figure, make sure your hair is done and that you feel good, he will definetly appreciate it. What’s the point in looking at other women when you look so good. Obviously if you’re in a long term relationship you can’t do this every minute of every day, and nor should you, because there is something to be said for the natural look; just don’t be a slob, make an effort for the man.

6. Tone down the crazy. Women are amazing, complicated, creative, but crazy. As a woman you may think what you are doing is totally responsible, but a man will never understand what he’s done wrong and even if you explain it he still probably won’t get why you got so mad. So again the advise is to be different. If most girls are nagging their boyfriends, its simple, DO NOT NAG, DO NOT GET UPSET ABOUT EVERY WOMAN HE TALKS TO, AND DO NOT FREAK OUT IF HE WANTS TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH THE LADS, these are all perfectly normal things for a guy to want to do, and if you allow him his freedom, you will be greatly rewarded. You may still feel mad, just don’t let him know that, for a while just keep the crazy inside.
I give advice and I share what I learn, not in some futile effort to make dating easier for the masses or to provide insight for those who see dating as a conquest, but in the hope that one day more lives will be trellised with the lines from great love stories.

Find what you want and go after it, good luck in May Week

 
Love greatly

Hitch

xxx