Here’s everything you should expect as a fresher at Brookes

It’s not all signet rings and Freshers’ Flu

So you’ve had your A Level results day and you’re going to be at Brookes in September, probably due to the unconditional they gave you back in January when they saw your stupidly high and unrealistic predicted grades and thought, meh, they’ll do. Either that or Daddy’s money didn’t have as much of an effect on your education as he would’ve liked so you thought you’d join the most middle-class non-Russell Group uni in the UK. Despite that, you’re well chuffed and you’re ready to start uni life, minus all the fun bits like Freshers’ Week and a big pres at Cheney.

You might have thought that getting into clubs using your sister’s ID and cooking pasta with stir-in sauce was enough prep for uni but realistically, you’re gonna have some questions about how to survive at Brookes when you’ve spent all your money on Tesco own-brand vodka and student bus tickets (£1.20 still isn’t quite free bus journeys is it). But, don’t worry, we’ve prepared a list of tips that you can understand even if you did only just about scrape your GCSE English.

Unfortunately, you really are missing out with there being no Freshers’ Week in September, but luckily, Freshers’ Week has been moved to January. So, until you get to enjoy the hangovers and STIs you’ll eventually accumulate on sports nights, here are some tips to see you through:

Introductory lectures are full of shit

You’ll turn up to your first introductory lecture in the first week to “make a good impression”. Half an hour in, you’ll realise that it was absolutely pointless and there’s no way your lecturer is going to remember your face out of a good 200 other people so you won’t turn up for the rest of them.

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You’ll end up having a lecture at Harcourt Hill that you’ll never turn up to

Your Google calendar will show that you have a lecture at Harcourt Hill but you’ll soon realise that having to try and get a U1 exactly on time and that isn’t already packed with other mugs going to the same awful campus that you’ll sack it off after three lectures; that’s what the powerpoints are for, right?

Group work on the Platform will never happen

Trying to do group work on the Platform because “it’s more central for everyone” is a tale as old as time. Reality is, everyone else has had the same idea and as it’s the only communal area that you can work without getting dirty looks from third years trying to do their diss, you’ll all do your own slides on a joint Google doc and act like you actually worked together when you present to your lecturer.

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You’ll only like approx one of your flatmates and the rest will annoy you

Those accommodation groups on Facebook are a great idea until you realise your flat is actually full of goons that will leave their washing up for three days and never take out the bins. The likelihood of you getting on with your flat is as slim as getting into a relationship with a sports boy.

Cheney is full of the private school kids

The actual accommodation isn’t even that nice but for some reason, people think that having a 50 week contract for a flat that they won’t be there for over summer is the biggest financial flex. However, I will give it to them, they do host the best pres at Brookes.

People in Parade will never stop going on about how nice their accomm is

Parade has only been knocking about for two years so it’s obviously going to be the nicest but do they really need their own gym and a roof-top terrace?? Anyway, people living at Parade will never let you hear the end of it, and will make you feel like this is some kind of Selling Sunset gaff.

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City Arms, Cowley Retreat and Baron will become like family to you

Did someone say karaoke on a Thursday at City and people trying to start on you at Baron?? Count me in and give me a £4 Dark Fruits whilst you’re at it x

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You’ll wait forever for a U1 and when it turns up you won’t be able to get on

Brookes Buses sticking to a timetable?? Never heard of it mate. Walking to town will probs be quicker when you hit all that traffic on St Clements.

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The shop on campus is stupidly expensive but you’ll pay anyway

You’ll quickly think the campus shop is a rip-off but cba making a sandwich that will go soggy by lunch. Meal deal is it x

Getting your student card is a ball-ache

You should feel lucky that rona won’t allow you to queue for your student card this year because you will literally stand there for two hours waiting for them. Either that or they’ll tell you they need to take a picture of your hungover mug right there and then.

You’ll join Brookes gym and just spend half of your time at Sports Bar anyway

I’ll take a snakebite and one of those beaut sandwiches over the rowing machine any day hun x

You can retake a module but you can’t relive a night out

It’s an oldie-but-a-goodie but truer words were never spoken. Brookes not books forever bby x

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