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Every New Year’s Resolution a Brookes student should make right now

New year, new you and all that

It's that time of year again. All those Christmas and New Year's parties have taken their toll and after your time off you are probably ready to take on 2018 with a spring in your step. You've probably joined the gym and attempting dry January, good on you.

But here are a few Brookes resolutions for you to take in to the new year, to help you avoid the same hideous mistakes you made in 2017.

Stop saying you're a BNOC when you're clearly not one

If you have to tell people, then it probably isn't true.

hi, just calling to see if my fucks were there, can't find them

Stop pulling someone by pretending you go to Oxford

Brookes college must be the biggest at the uni at this rate. Also, when you take them back to your shitty Clive Booth non-ensuite, they will probably be able to tell.

Refrain from falling down the stairs in Bridge

Drunk or sober, it doesn't seem to matter, everybody has stacked it down those slippery steps at some point. Arse over tit. However, you do get points if you make it to the bottom with your VK in tact.

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if you do, don't worry, they gotcha

Try spending more time at the gym rather than next door in the Sports Bar

Yes there is in fact a gym right next to the sports bar. Sign up and convince yourself you will go so you finally don't get out of breath by walking up the Cowley hill. It'll last at least the first two weeks of the semester, when a drink after the gym turns into a drink and no gym. Eventually you'll forget you ever went there for anything else in the first place, but at least you tried.

Stop spending all your money on VK's and deliveroo

Your tongue is permanently blue and your waist has overstretched the limit of your not-so-skinny jeans. Changes need to be made to save your overdraft.

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And avoid spending the rest in the JHB

Between Starbucks, the overpriced restaurants and so-called 'Costcutter', it eats all your money up. As if the £9,000 you are already giving them isn't enough, why add to it?

On that note, stop buying the meal deals, they are gross and overpriced. You deserve better.

Quit losing your shit

Buy a little pouch, find a secure pocket, get a less drunk friend to look after your items – just try not to lose them. Do you really want to be yet another 'lost my phone' post on Facebook?

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Stop shagging sports lads after fishies

You can do better and they can not. Remember this.

Let's also stop pretending to be in a sports team when you only go to socials

Yes you downed the most snakebites at the last Lacrosse social but have you ever played? Bet you're going on tour with them too.

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Don't wait for a U1 if you have a spare pound

They may never turn up, may be full and Oxford is cold. So come on people, get on the first bus that arrives, you'll thank yourself.

Stop sleeping with freshers you find at MNB

Looking at you, reps. Sharks, the lot of you.

Look at this post grad and his Fresher. DISGUSTING.

Please, stop saying you study in Oxford

Yes, you study in Oxford, but you go to Brookes. People may not know what or where it is, but we know full well that we are the dogs bollocks. Brookes and bloody proud.