All the weird things Brookes students do without even realising they’re weird
Who you gonna call? The Safety Bus!
Oxford Brookes, situated in a city of great history and tradition and one of the UK’s top modern universities. However, we have some rather odd practices here at Brookes. Here are a few things we do which apparently are really fucking weird and we didn’t even realise.
"Yeah, I go to uni in Oxford"
Brookes is a pretty awesome uni but being neighbours with the greatest institute of learning in the world does tend to breed a certain level of envy. However, when Auntie Liz has to bloody ask the dreaded "So where do you go to uni?", you can get away with telling a little lie. Us beautiful Brookes students will answer with a smooth "I study in Oxford". Not a lie, but you know if they start to ask more questions you’re going to have to start bullshitting or admit the truth. But really, all of us know we’d ‘rather be a poly than a cunt’.
When we don’t have enough money for a taxi, who are we gonna call?
The Safety Bus. Duh.
Brookes students love fishy fingers
No, we aren’t talking about what lads make their mates smell after they get some. It’s a Wednesday night, jeez. Recently it has, of course, changed its name to ‘Fishies’ due to its sheer disgusting-ness but your stash still says it, your lanyard says it and your tombstone will probably say it. Fishy Fingers. Everywhere.
We only really spend our money in two places: Bridge and the Sports Bar
We waltz into the sports centre, clothed in our finest sports stash and fully branded gym gear, only to order a jug of snakebite and a bacon and brie baguette. The dickhead from Business is once again bragging about his (probably mediocre) pull at MNB last night while sipping on his Oreo milkshake. But we all know, after he offered to buy her a drink, he also had to buy a drink for all of her mates because of the £10 card minimum. And poof, all of his overdraft is gone.
There is nothing like the unconditional love we have for PT
Purple Turtle, we love you. You’re right next door to McDonald’s, always small enough to look busy and a guaranteed messy night. Plus, nowhere else can unite Brookes and Uni of Ox so harmoniously with Oasis and the Pussy Cat Dolls. If you pull in PT, you will probably end up in some swanky but manky Ox uni dorm room with Mr. double-barrelled surname. But wahey, he bought you three Hulks (big spender) and may know the Queen.
A bus could be the highlight of your night
After squeezing your way on with a bottle of voddy in the back of your jeans and swiping your free bus pass, you know you’re in for a treat. You head upstairs and get your big boy chants ready to go. Your best mate Emily is pole dancing near the front and at the back we’re once again chanting about how much we’d rather be a poly. Did we say that already?
VKs make up 70% of our bodies
Every uni says this but we really do mean it. If you don’t have four in your hand on a Wednesday night then you are a fool. It is a right of passage. We’d use it for shampoo if we could.
An old man in a club is literally our goals
Old Man Bridge is considered something of a legend with his free spirit attitude and signature suit that he never seems to sweat in, even in PT. He represents all our dreams of clubbing 4evs. But really, you can see why OMB would be confused though, Monday Night Bridge does sound an awful lot like a pensioners club rather than a student night.
You will throw money at anyone who calls you ‘Sexy Gorgeous’
For the finer folk, you go to Posh Nosh and order yourself some cheesy sticks. You will flutter your eyelashes and flirt, but really you just want the free Fanta and lollypop.
However, there is one place that will always have our hearts. We stumble our way from the club and drag our drunken, rejected asses to Kebab King just to get a large Doner kebab and a compliment. If you get on his Snapchat, the victory legit tastes sweeter than that first-class honours degree you dream about.