What your sports team says about you



Being part of football is all about fitting in. You could go for a sport that’s more quirky, but no. You like tradition. You like to kick about a ball and then go and drink twelve pints with the lads afterwards. Drink a pint out of each other’s arse? Apple bob from each other’s sick? No problem because you’re legends who don’t give a fuck. Everyone hates you and you don’t care.


You love the sesh, probably more than any other team. Do you ever take off that OBULC jumper off? You didn’t have to bring your lacrosse stick to the library again, we already know you’ve got training every day of the week. You live for tour, you only talk to each other, do you have any other friends? Most of the team has slept with each other. Go lax wooooo.


Who the fuck even are you?


Potentially even more neanderthal than football, you wear those ugly blazers with pride and swan around the sports bar like they own the place. You start fights, you get lairy, you shout at people who don’t know the difference between rugby union and rugby league. Apparently, there’s a monumental split between the two, but nobody really gives a fuck. It’s rumoured that once, the whole team had Chlamydia. You pride yourself on that.


You played Netball at school, and maybe for county when you were in your prime, so you thought you’d try out at uni. You probably study something like geography, because the only thing harder than netball is colouring in.


Hockey is the basic version of lacrosse, but without the sesh. You probably went to a private school somewhere in Surrey.

American Football

Will you ever get bored of wearing those Panthers jackets around JHB? Do you do anything other than violently run at each other wearing pink socks? Who knows? Actually, everyone knows, because you won’t stop bloody talking about the fact that you play a shit version of rugby. We don’t live in America and FYI, nobody actually watches the Super Bowl.


You’re probably a really pretty BNOC. But this isn’t 2007 and it isn’t bring it on.


You weren’t good enough to get into a conventional sport, so you decided to join something wacky and out there. Or did you just do it for the new cover photo of you with a beer in one hand and a gun in the other at some luxury estate in the middle of a field? Probably a bit of both. Go on, sport that gilet and those red trousers round the library, they look really cool. Can usually be found in a tweed shop, or in Waitrose buying pheasants.


Omg, let’s ride a horse round a field and try and hit a ball at the same time. Then we’ll call it a competitive sport. If you tell someone you like polo, they’ll probably think you’re talking about a packet of mints. You lived in Cheney, and now you probably live on Div Road.


Fuelled by Daddy’s money, half the tennis team are millionaires, and the other half think they’re Andy Murray. You won’t stop banging on about your LTA rating, but tbh we still don’t have a clue what you’re on about. You probably drink red wine at pre drinks and think you’re really good at beer pong.


Yeah we know you tried out for GB that one time, but you had to pull out because of an injury. Also, do you even row? Or do you just spend all day on the erg machines? We know you don’t go out because rowing is just too important. You may have muscles, but you have no chat.


Golf is just one massive competition as to who can own the most Ralph Lauren polo shirts. You couldn’t play football because you can’t run for shit, so you just walk around the course at a leisurely pace instead. You’re that person at pre drinks who spends all night throwing pennies in people’s glasses shouting ‘hole in one’ because you think it’s funny. It’s not.


You literally stand in a field all day. You almost didn’t make this list because watching paint dry is more fun than watching a cricket match.