How to be a fully-qualified rubbish chef at uni

Knee-deep in overdraft and unbranded Pot Noodle? No need to fear, The Tab is here.

Desperation comes in all shapes and sizes, but uni is the big fat one. All these recipes are made from scratch and can be done by the good, the bad and the ugly with little to clean up and no dignity needed.

Omelette in a mug

It looks gross, but so does your bank account

This is by far the easiest and the closest to rock bottom recipe that you can do and is still edible.

Simply add two eggs to a mug and five tablespoons of milk. From this point you can get truly creative (dependent on your budget) and add anything that you want. We recommend: cheese, ham, jalapeños, last night’s mistakes and onions.

Put your mug into the microwave for two minutes, then check if it is on flames, give it a stir and chuck it back in until it looks edible.

Tomato sauce and pasta

Hello Miss independent

Simply put some bacon in a pan and once it is cooked add a tin of chopped tomatoes. At this point add some mixed herbs and leave for the sauce to burn. Once it tastes to your liking, chuck it on some pasta and be proud of your awesome cooking skills.

Egg fried rice

Oxford Brookes finest

Oil up a pan and add some chopped onions, leave until they go golden (or burnt). While this is cooking, put some frozen peas in the microwave and once they are done, throw them into your cauldron as well. Next step is to make some scrambled eggs and the best way to do this is by also using a microwave. Add two eggs and a splash of milk to a mug or bowl and stir it up, then put it in the microwave for 30 seconds. Stir it once again and pop back in the microwave; repeat the process until the egg is ready to eat. Add that to your pan of desperation, followed by some cooked rice, and finish it off with a thorough soaking in soy sauce. And Voila, you’re officially a take-away.

Tuna and sweetcorn rice

Phone not included

Add some a tin of tuna and sweetcorn to a bowl then smother it in mayonnaise. Mix it up and add to some rice, simples.

Egg and bacon pasta

This is for the classier yolk

Boil some eggs for about six minutes until they are completely solid inside. During this time you can fry up some bacon. Then cook some pasta and once it is done coat it in a mound of mayonnaise. Then mix all these ingredients together and bam, you are Jamie Oliver.

Homemade pizza

What’s Domino’s?

Preheat the oven to as high as it goes. If you’re in halls then that will be hell°C, and while that is heating up put some bread in the toaster. Once that is done, spread a thick layer of ketchup onto your toast, followed by some blocks of cheese. Sprinkle on some mixed herbs and put that bad boy in the oven. Keep checking on it every two minutes until the cheese has melted enough. This is best served with tears and a flat vodka-coke.