Everyone you’ll meet in the uni gym

Do you even lift bro


Most of us have been to the gym, whether it was twice three years ago with Lucy, or you’re a man mountain who resides there.

Here’s everyone you’ll meet at the uni gym:

Mr Friday night

How to spot them: Tanned, snapback, stringer vest (nipples on show), fresh crepes and often in a group (safety in numbers).

Characteristics: Anywhere there is a reflection to be seen, constantly tensed, will be found bench pressing or curling (biceps and chest bro), often coming from or to Nando’s for a cheeky meal and will have amassed every single dumbbell in the gym.

Goal: To pull a cheeky sort.

Quote: “You done with that bench bro?”

Do you even lift bro: 5/10

The cross fitter 

How to spot them: Wears absolutely every accessory known to man: wrist, knee, shoulder, leg, hip straps and actually anything that can be strapped is, quite akin to Tutankhamen.

Characteristics: Doesn’t hang around, judges absolutely everyone for doing anything aesthetic (curls bleugh) and whatever they do they are doing it better than you.

Goal: To become a supple leopard.

Quote: “Crossfit is a mix of cardio, strength and training and non stop talking about it bro.”

Do you even lift bro: 7/10

The gym bunny

How to spot them: Full face of makeup, head to toe in Victoria Secret Pink, eyebrows on fleek, constant pout and never breaks a sweat.

Characteristics: Seen at the busiest time of day, always found at the epicenter of the gym and suffers from bipolar attention disorder (BAD) craves attention and is horrified when they receive it.

Goal: To look like Kim K.

Quote: “Mirror mirror on the wall, am I the prettiest girl in the gym?”

Do you even lift bro: 2/10

The ‘new year new me’ (NYNM)

How to spot them: Has a look of constant bewilderment, like a deer in the headlights, the shiniest of shiny clothes, often still found with tags and technique is questionable.

Characteristics: Shy, does not maintain eye contact except for NYNMers. Seasonal trainers, favourite time of year being January. Often in the safe haven known as “the cross trainers”.

Goal: To be fit and fab by summer.

Quote: “This is my year”

Do you even lift bro: 2/10

The social butterfly

How to spot them: Phone in hand, congregate in groups, always on the move, knows absolutely everyone.

Characteristics: Overtly friendly, has no issue talking to anyone no matter what they are doing: whether getting changed, at the urinal or mid set.

Goal: To organise a big night out.

Quote: “You out tonight bro?”

Do you even lift bro: 1/10

The Instagrammer

How to spot them: Simple, look for a mirror you’ll find them.

Characteristics: Will always tell you about the not so hilarious gym meme -_-, ludicrously vain and will speak to you about their gym routine until the cows come home.

Goal: To get 100 likes.

Quote: “Follow me back bro?” “You finished with that mirror?”

Do you even lift bro: 7/10

The sweater/shouter

How to spot them: Use your nose/ears and has a face like you’ve just fondled his baby mumma’s ass.

Characteristics: Lifting obscenely heavy weights roaring at the top of their voice like the king of the jungle, solitary and often with over-ear headphones, so they aren’t bothered by your insignificance.

Goal: To go toe to toe with a polar bear.

Quote: “Ahhhhhhhhh, ughhhhhhh”.

Do you even lift bro: 10/10, you big sweaty mess.

The she lifts she definitely lifts

How to spot them: Squatting in the weights room, often followed by 40 pairs of eyes.

Characteristics: She knows she’s stronger than you bro, stop looking, has a big fuck off sign stamped on her forehead, she is confident enough to be surrounded by many testosterone fuelled bros and still do her thang and hits legs like Mr Friday night trains biceps.

Goal: To get that peachhhhhh 

Do you even lift bro: 20/10