Put down your clutch, there’s nothing wrong with bum bags

You come downstairs at pre-drinks with this magical invention clipped around your waist and you can see it in your friends’ eyes: they’re scared.

There’s a dreaded look of fear coming from everyone in the room as they tactically put down their drinks down so they can start ripping the shit out of you.  Yes, I’m wearing a bum bag. They’re not just for American tourists and MDMA addicts, you know.

Ignore the comments of “pill head” and “go back to reading fest 2k13” and brave it. You won’t regret it. When you’re shuffling to Renegade Master and everyone else is doing some poor effort of a swaying motion, trying to look like they’re having fun, everyone will be wondering why they didn’t choose their fanny pack for a night out at MNB too.

You can look down on those girls with their clutch bags and shake your head in a patronising fashion, because quite simply, they’re doing it wrong.

Bum bags are for winners

Winners only please

Only when you’re immersed in bum bag mania do you recognise the struggles of the poor girl with her clutch bag. She’s just trying to buy her bestie a tequila shot but she’s struggling to get her money out. There’s coins flying everywhere, there’s notes on the counter and the whole situation is a complete mess. Smugly, you watch on by minding your own business, whipping out your £5 note in a single and effortless swipe from one of your many compartments. The possibilities are endless. You’ll be the Mary Poppins of the girl’s toilets, pulling make up, shot glasses and all sorts out of your magic bag.

The fanny packs have a bad rep for being used as an old lady’s money belt in case of a surprise mugging on the way to the post office. People may make fun of you for putting your safety first, but pair your bum bag with a crop top and a pair of hot pants and you’ll be guaranteed not to lose your ID before you get to the club.

Gone are the days when bum bags were banned outside of the festival gates, accompanied by tubes of UV paint and an endless stash of bindis. But now, why stop at the night out? Go all out and turn a few heads at the bus stop before your Monday 9am. Take it to Tesco with you so you’ve got free hands to do your food shop. Why suffer the imminent shoulder pain that accompanies a trip to Sainsbury’s? Why delve into the germy depth of your handbag to get the surprise of nine hair grips, six used tissues and a half eaten sweet from last week while getting out your Clubcard?

So much better than a clutch

It sounds mad, but bum bags are actually a great way to pull. If you’re a bit shy, you can liven up your personality with one of these bundles of joy taped round your waist.

No, you won’t get old men on a Saturday night asking you if you’re a recreational drug taker. It’s a myth you’ll get some weirdos inviting you to underground raves and asking you to snort something dodgy in the toilets. People won’t approach you with fear and ask if you can sort them out some sweet Mary Jane. It’ll go more like: “That’s so retro, would you like a drink”. Yes please.