Your ironically bad shirts don’t make you cool

On Eddie Izzard’s 1994 stand-up show, Unrepeatable, the comedian talks about the fine line between cool and uncool.

Cool is a pursuit of youth, it’s a fashion link thing being cool – it’s linked to the circle. You’ve got looking like a dickhead, average looking, cool-cool, hip and groovy and looking like a dickhead again.

This statement is still as true as it was last century, even if Eddie Izzard isn’t as funny.

Lame shirts are known to cruise in that grey area. Some are bang-on and look jazzy as if you’ve stolen Lawrence Lowellyn-Bowen’s curtains.

But some look like the Mad Hatter just vommed on your front.

You have no doubt seen these shirts, or should I say, these loud shirts have asserted your attention. They can be found at alt-music festivals, Brighton Lanes and in Noel Fielding’s wet dreams.

No one knows where they come from, or who the fuck makes them.

Down the rabbit hole then let’s have a peek at these wavy garbs.

This is very art-dicko. The kind of pattern Van Gogh would wrap your birthday pressie with. The design as you can see is white breaded sandwiches with flowers on them.

I want to chop my ear off just looking at it.

This one slips under the lamedar. You could catch an estate agent during kickback time in this. Naughty normcore. Nice.

Look at this nice young man in his summer edition.

The pattern is cryptic with a sunburst colouring. Too bad it’s missing a button. Cool-cool.

Hip n’ Groovy. This shirt is a piece of art formerly worn by Prince. Just look at those swirls, girls.

I think I looked like such a dickhead in this photo that a rollie magically materialised in the capture afterwards as some optical illusion.

There was never any rollie really, but it appears right there in the mirror as a dicky depiction of my nature, just like the concept in the Picture of Dorian Greyshirt.

So there you are. Next time you are scraping the rails, searching for hip shirts, buy a poncho instead. People will take you more seriously.

Next week, bowler hats, and how awful they are.