10 things I’ve learnt during my time at Brookes

Sadly my time here in Oxford is coming to an end, and I’m coming over all reflective and (kind of) soppy. Luckily for you I’m sharing my wisdom – I’m good like that. Here is my list of things I’ve learnt during my time at Brookes.

1. Fuzzy’s is actually shit

No matter how many times they tell us that it’s “the best night in Oxford/the easiest place to get laid in the UK”, my opinion remains unchanged. Probably because you’ll undoubtedly queue for over an hour and get treated like rowdy cattle in the process, potentially not get in because they insist on selling twice as many tickets as Wahoo’s maximum capacity, and the DJ seems to think that playing Pitbull on repeat and shouting over the microphone “WE’RE HAVING A MAD ONE!” is appropriate.

2. You can’t go to the library without a full face of make up on

This one really surfaced with the introduction of the Spotted: Brookes Library pages, which are in fact a great source of entertainment when deadlines are fast approaching. Those lucky few who did get a mention were able to enjoy celebrity status for at least 24 hours.

Poor guy.

3. Finishing an essay is the greatest satisfaction of all

The most satisfying part of finishing an essay is undoubtedly closing all the tabs on your internet browser. It’s the little things.

4. Sports teams have all the fun

Socials most weeks, crew dates, a week in Spain on ‘tour’ which has been likened to The Hangover – they really do. However for many of us, the late summer heat and hangover from the night before is enough to deter us from the sweltering sports hall at the Fresher’s Fair. Why did they put it in Fresher’s week again?

5. Dressing gowns are uniform after first year

Body warmth is something I took for granted before moving into my own house – maybe something I wasn’t even really aware of. However, when its no one but little old you and your equally skint housemates footing the bill, you’ll realise the only way to get through life is to wear a dressing gown at all times. Unless you’re in bed. Then its just overkill.

6. Getting a photo with either Clubber Steve or Old Man Bridge is compulsory

Bonus points if you manage both. And a big pat on the back if you get both in the same photo. (Has this been done before?)

7. Landlords and estate agents are the devil

 They’re unreliable and sloppy throughout the year, failing to fix simple problems or make a quick phone call before a herd of first years turn up at your door at 9am for a guided tour with an overzealous trainee estate agent. Then, when moving out day comes, after spending three days straight on your hands and knees re-enacting How Clean Is Your House? (and actually thinking you could be quite good at this cleaning thing if the degree doesn’t work out), they reward you with a measly £20 back of your £600 deposit. Bastards.

8. Getting tutors on your good side is essential

Go to all tutorials, compliment their excellent taste in office plants, seriously, make them your best friends. This will come in handy when you have an exam worth 50% of the module in three days and have missed almost every lecture. Also, remember that these people don’t particularly want to talk to you, so persistence is key.

9. Tesco Value isn’t that bad. Except the meat. Don’t buy the meat.

10. Organising taxis at predrinks is a military operation

The unlucky one lumped with this task is usually determined by the (classic) shouting of “shotgun not” or the more sophisticated method, a game of fives. Like a primary school teacher, you perform some sort of “headcount”, which is wrong by default because of someone in the loo, someone who’s not ready yet, and the people smoking outside. Then comes the job of rounding everyone up when the chariots arrive. Best idea is to get in the first one, then it’s no longer your problem.