Brookes gym stereotypes

Dan highlights all the characters you’re likely to spot while working out.


 

The novice

The epitome of the resolution crew, he or she may be found in the most isolated corner of the gym desperately trying not to be noticed.

Alternatively the novices may adopt a safety in numbers strategy, never straying far from their close knit group of six or seven.

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Yet to figure out which direction she’s going in

 

The socialite

There is no question that University is a hotbed of social activity but the gym socialite knows not when to stop and put his or her social demands on hold.

Often spotted choosing the apparatus that can be operated whilst holding a phone and can be found instagramming pictures of their trainers.

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The contortionist

The Contortionist worries not about cardio or weights and instead shifts her entire focus onto stretching. Standard contortionist attire includes pristine trainers (that have almost certainly never been worn outside), topped off by flawless make up and immaculate hair that, although attractive, seems somewhat less than practical in this physical setting.

You’ll try in vain not to stare as she casually does the splits with a smarmy smile on her face.

Coming to a gym near you
Coming to a gym near you

The full kit wanker

For a few the appeal of University sport lies in the promise of stash. Number three on our list treats every session like a Wednesday afternoon and whilst team spirit is no bad thing, wearing your team beater, under your team sweatshirt, under your team onesie is nothing if not a trifle unnecessary.

Also applies to the chap who decided to kit himself out head to toe in the Jack Wills gym range.

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The mirror junky

The extensive mirror panelling in the upstairs fitness ensure that the gym looks bigger than it really is and allows you to assess your form. These uses however are irrelevant to most who use them for all manner of sins.

First up are the guys who have clearly never used weights on anything other than their arms. You’ll find them doing bicep curls, staring into the mirror (rather than using the mat area) and struggling to balance on legs you could snap.

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“Maybe if I stare at my muscles long enough they’ll grow?”

Next up are the seasoned Lothario’s who will use their (limited) knowledge of physics in order to bounce their gaze off numerous mirrors and check out the girl on the hip adductor (that weird machine where girls just nonchalantly open and close their legs).

The skill lies in how subtle you can be when catching your reflection. A five second gaze is totally acceptable. Straight flexing and taking selfies is, unfortunately, not.

The social gym’er

Not to be confused with The Socialite. The Social Gymer aspires only to let people think that he/she is at the gym. With the Sports Bar providing a perfect hideout for those afraid to break a sweat, the simple excuse of an uncharged iPod or forgotten headphones is enough to see them spend the next hour watching television and kicking back with a Panini and a Snapple.

If the thought of running into any of these fills you with horror, we suggest waiting until March when motivation will have hit an all time low and gym attendance suddenly halves.

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