How to get the girl

So you’ve been in Oxford for a while now, and you feel like you should be doing a lot better with the ladies.

Not to fear because help is at hand: here is your all-inclusive guide on how to pull on a night out.

There are many tricks to becoming the Thames Valley’s Barney Stinson but the greatest piece of advice ever bestowed on a young, horny clubber is to change your behaviour depending on the club that you’re in.

Propaganda

With its indie rocker vibes, Propaganda attracts a certain type of woman. She will be wearing leggings, sometimes wet-look, a scruffy top and trainers.

Your first task is to find her through the mesh of underage children and overage men, but when you do follow these simple steps.

Insert yourself at the centre of the mosh-pit with a pint in your hand.

Jump around for ten minutes, you will leave the pit soaked in beer and sweat. Approach your selected target at speed and embrace her, notifying her of your damp demeanour.

These girls will love this and be putty in your sodden hands.

Camera

A club full of all your favourite Chateau du Cheney rah girls.

Save up for months before entering. On entrance buy yourself a bottle of Grey Goose. Show your stupidly oversized bottle to all women in site, it will help compensate for later.

All you have to do now is sit back and wait, you will be flocked and in no way look like a pretentious schweffe.

Lava Ignite

One of the biggest clubs in Oxford, has a hidden corner where it is surprisingly simple to bag yourself a hunny.

The upstairs hip-hop room sees women bumping and grinding like there is no tomorrow, all you have to do is position yourself behind them and avoid being bucked off. Make sure that your hips don’t lie.

Lola Lo

This club gives you, as a predator, an unrivalled advantage to get that female you want.

Lola Lo is so small you are hips-to-hips with most girls in there just by being present.

Escape is not an option and the goal is within your grasp, just remember the three Ps: proximity, persistence and perseverance.

Junction

Junction holds a special place in this clubber’s heart simply for its architectural daring. It has a footbridge inside the club, and for no particular reason.

From this vantage point you can pick out your girl and select your moment.

Once you have her cornered all you need is a few quick lines such as “I bet your last name is Jacobs – because you’re a real cracker!”, or a personal favourite “That’s a great head you have… it would go really nicely on my wall of heads.”

You will be fighting her off.

Bridge

Now there is rumour that Bridge removed its pole from the upstairs dance-floor, and if this is confirmed many tears will be shed around Oxford.

If it still exists then you mount that pole, you slide around, you thrust your crotch into it, massaging it as if it were an incredibly oddly shaped woman. This animalistic dance will render you irresistible.

However if it does not exist, pretend it does. It’s worth a shot.

Finally Fuzzy Ducks, FHM’s easiest night to pull on. Scoring is easy, do whatever you want. If you haven’t pulled in Fuzzy Ducks then you are beyond help.

Anyone can pull here…anyone!