If Bristol Uni hosted the Olympics: Featuring ‘Study Space Scramble’ and ‘The U1 Bus Race’

With the Olympics fully underway in Paris this summer, showcasing the best talent from across the globe. But what would these games look like if it was hosted in our very own city of Bristol?

These are new highly exclusive sports, which only true Bristol students would be able to complete. See if you could excel in these elite sports like a real Olympic athlete.

St. Michael’s Hill E-Scooter Slalom

Event Type: Speed & Agility

Participants must race down and then back up the dreaded St. Michael’s Hill on Voi’s (or the inferior Tier) weaving between obstacles such as slow-walking freshers, misplaced bins, and piles of chun from last night’s BED Mondays. The course includes a mandatory pit stop at Queens Ave Sainsburys to stock up on meal deals for fuel. Points are then awarded or deducted based on how good the choice in meal deal is.

Helmets aren’t mandated, but bravery is.

Deadline Season Endurance Marathon

Event Type: Stamina & Endurance

Set in the labyrinth of the ASS, this marathon tests students’ ability to stay awake and productive, and most importantly, get through university. Competitors must navigate through the library’s various sections, collecting essential items like Monster cans, Elf Bars, and sweet treats. The winner is the last one standing (or not passed out) after an all-nighter.

Flatmate Synchronization Relay

Event Type: Coordination & Cooperation

In this team event, groups of flatmates must complete household tasks in perfect synchronisation – WITHOUT emotional fallout. Events include “Toilet Roll Top Up,” “Dishwashing Duet,” and the dreaded “Bin Night Relay.” Judges score based on speed, teamwork, and overall cleanliness of the flat. Bonus points are awarded for avoiding common pitfalls, such as passive-aggressive texts to the group chat.

Study Spot Scramble

Event Type: Tactical & Strategic

In this competition, students race to claim the best study spots across campus during peak exam season. Competitors are armed with the entire Apple ecosystem, chargers, and decoy items to hold spots (such as a strategically placed water bottle or a piece of paper). The objective is to secure a prime location, complete with power outlets and proximity to caffeine sources and smoking areas. Points are awarded for persistence and resourcefulness. Contact with other participants is allowed and encouraged for the entertainment of bystanders.

Fresher’s Week Simulator

Event Type: Endurance & Social Skill

This event challenges students to survive and thrive through a simulated “Freshers’ Week.” Competitors must navigate through various social events, Freshers’ Fair, and pub crawls, all while avoiding typical Freshers’ pitfalls like Flatcest and Freshers’ Flu. Points are awarded for the most inventive excuses to escape a one-night stand’s accom and the ability to collect the most free pizza and flyers.

The Clifton Catwalk

Event Type: Fashion & Flair

Inspired by Bristol’s waviest garms, this event is a fashion show with a twist. Participants must create outfits using only what they can find in charity shops and their wardrobes. The challenge includes a runway walk down Woodland Road, where competitors are judged on creativity, style, and the ability to pull off the classic “I just pulled this on half asleep” look.

Bonus points are awarded for successfully incorporating a university quarter-zip into an outfit without looking like a total loser. Bonus points are awarded if you manage to make the Depop reseller girlies turn their heads in awe.

The U1 Bus Race

Event Type: Speed & Agility

Participants begin at their respective accommodations. Their goal is to make it to their 9am on time and not out of breath. The challenge lies in the unpredictable bus schedules and navigating through rush hour traffic. Consulting a bus schedule or the First Bus app is forbidden, and may also give participants a disadvantage since they are commonly out of sync.

A wise and seasoned participant would begin by realising the bus is delayed and walk instead

There is still time to apply to represent the university in these highly exclusive sports. The use of horse tranquiliser has been prohibited which unfortunately disqualifies at least half of the student body, the Olympic committee fears. However, I’m sure we still have plenty of Bristol quarter-zip-clad participants left to represent our glorious university.

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