What each of the 2024 Oscar nominees would be like if they went to Bristol University

There is not a person on campus that doesn’t know Barbie

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The 96th Academy Awards (or in less pretentious terms, the Oscars), is fast approaching, with the ceremony taking place on the 10th March 2024. For all the film nerds out there, this star-studded event is the highlight of the year, as the films of 2023 are celebrated and remembered.

As an absolute sucker for a bit of celebrity goss and culture, the Oscars is an environment I tend to thrive off. Yes, I will absolutely spend hours mentally reviewing and silently judging the dresses worn on the red carpet like I’m Anna Wintour (I live in my pyjamas and think that jorts are cool). And yes, I will certainly feel like an outraged film critic if my prediction gets snubbed (my favourite film of all time is The Cat in The Hat).

With all this expert knowledge in mind, naturally, I wonder what would it be like if these shining stars of the big screen slummed it and lived the life of a humble student.  So, here is what a variety of nominations for the 2024 Oscars would be like if they attended the University of Bristol.

1. Oppenheimer

Oppenheimer, studying Chemistry, is easily at the top of every class. They even share their knowledge by being a PASS tutor in their spare time. Oppenheimer may be hard to understand and connect with at first, but once you accept the fact that they are undeniably more intelligent than you will ever be, they will leave a long-lasting impression.

You will never find Oppenheimer kicking it back in the pub, instead, they are taking advantage of the 24-hour access to the ASS.  When exam season hits, they resort to bringing a blanket so they can catch their Z’s without leaving the comfort of the library and they will absolutely be the only person you’ve ever seen eat tuna pasta out of one of the vending machines on the bottom floor.

A natural-born leader who typically cuts about in a suit, Oppenheimer is destined for greatness and will undeniably graduate with a first.

2. Barbie

Barbie spends their days attending iFemsoc socials and immersing themselves in the uni culture as much as possible. Barbie is the definition of a jack of all trades. This Barbie is a medic! This Barbie is a hockey superstar! This Barbie is the life and soul of the party!

Barbie will use any opportunity to showcase their hot girl outfits, and they will absolutely treat Woodland Road as a catwalk when they’re walking to their third coffee date of the day at Bakesmiths.

Barbie is the biggest BNOC to exist, and they’re speculated to sweep the floor clean at the SU elections and take on the full-time officer role.

3. Poor Things

Poor Things follows the story of Bella Baxter, a dead woman who undergoes a brain transplant with her unborn child. Just like the average fresher, Bella has the body of an adult and the mind of a baby.

Poor Things wear their lanyard proudly around their neck in any social setting, as they are yet to learn the rules of what’s hot and what’s not. They are that one person who moves into halls with the entirety of Ikea’s kitchen utensils packed into the back of their parents’ Ford Fiesta- they are absolutely adamant that a lemon squeezer is a vital gadget to bring to university.

Poor Things came from a small, rural Surrey village so being thrust into the Bristol lifestyle is particularly daunting. To shed this anxiety, they down Sainsbury’s finest pure and smooth £11.99 vodka, resulting in spewing 45 minutes into pres and being barred from getting on the U1. Embarrassing for them but entertaining for everyone else involved.

4. Maestro

Maestro is that one wannabe self-proclaimed DJ we all know, although their musical abilities extend as far as pressing play on a curated playlist at pres. Maestro will do anything to be at the centre of attention, and they firmly believe that their ‘hard work’ should be credited with a graveyard slot at Basement 45.

Maestro takes showboating to new heights, by snorting lines at the most inappropriate times and places, such as off your communal kitchen table at tea time, two hours before pres commence.

5. The Holdovers

The Holdovers’ wardrobe consists entirely of knitted grandad jumpers sourced from either COW on Park Street, or from the vintage pop-ups held in the SU. They like to get to the sale particularly early to snatch up the best argyle pullovers that The Richmond Building has to offer.

The Holdovers have a particularly close relationship with their personal tutor, with a scheduled meeting every week. One day they hope their relationship will progress to sharing a pint in The Hope and Anchor, with a conversation fuelled by their mutual love of classics.

6. Napoleon

 

Nobody really knows what Napoleon’s deal is or quite frankly anything about them. They tend to cook in the kitchen outside of peak times to avoid any form of communication with their fellow housemates. Napoleon’s Amazon wishlist consists of a rice cooker and microwave so they can cook from the comfort of their room.

Napoleon is certainly a small fish in a big pond. They didn’t expect to be thrust into the chaos that is Hiatt Baker, as they simply put it as their top choice due to the convenience of the Downs location, which is within the perfect proximity for them to attend the Reenactment Society.

7. Spider-Man: Across the Spider Verse

Spider-Man is effortlessly the coolest person around, and they have become quite the campus celebrity. Most people tend to think they were cooler in first year, but you are a defender that their second year self is equally just as good.

They have several aesthetics. One day they’re going for the rockstar vibe, the next they look fresh out of the 90s. You struggle to keep up with their multiple personalities but they all blend together to make the most unique person you know.

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