Six step plan to ruin your flat Christmas dinner (and your friendships)

It’s time to release your inner Grinch and give your flatmates the best gift of all: more drama than episode of Geordie Shore

You are the saboteur. Do not react. Your mission is to create the most memorable Christmas dinner Bristol has ever seen.

If you’re bored of the classic dinner, crackers and a good time bonding with your friends (boring and unoriginal af) then this is the perfect alternative. A night filled with tears, fights and ruined housing contracts for next year is sure to give you memories to last a lifetime.

Every Bristol student is constantly looking for ways to be edgier than everyone around them and I promise if you follow this guide you can become the loner you always dreamed of being.

Step 1: Start some juicy rumours

The seeds of doubt need to be sewn early. This is a critical step in maximising tension for your night of carnage. I recommend starting this on the big flat trip to the shops when you get the ingredients. Maybe some conflict over who makes the potatoes. Or is that one housemate who never tidies up making a mess in the kitchen on the big day? Feel free to fabricate if necessary.

This step is also highly effective if you split the group in half over who shops and who preps veg; a cultish rivalry is all it takes once the ball starts rolling.

Step 2: Hell’s Kitchen

Now we’re back in the kitchen and it’s go time. Get that oven cranked up to the max once the bird has gone in, and strategically cover it with an oven glove. By the time they notice it’ll be too late to save it, and they’ll all be choking down the dry turkey.

Whilst the veg crew are peeling their carrots and potatoes make sure to mention how the cooking team are sitting around taking all the credit, and how unappreciated the peelers are; you need to foster that resentment into a volcano ready to burst.

Step 3: The entertainment

You and all your closest friends are sat down to eat, but no dinner is complete without a game! “Shall we play Paranoia?” you casually suggest. Usually, this would be shot down, but these flatmates are full of anger and need to let it out. Maybe make it a Christmas special? Who contributed the least to cooking? Most likely to open presents early? Who is definitely on Santa’s naughty list? Anyone who has played a good game of Paranoia knows it all ends in tears, and this round should be no different.

Step 4: Secret Santa

This classic Christmas tradition is lovingly shared over the final dinner with your flat before you all part ways till January (or forever?). We made a list of the best gifts for the Bristol student but now it’s time for the worst. I recommend finding out their biggest fear and getting them that. Spiders? There’s a tarantula under the tree for them. Or maybe they’re not a fan of heights? Surprise them with a walk over the suspension bridge and bring the whole flat to start jumping up and down on it.

Step 5: The after-dinner speech

At this point, people will be crying at having their darkest fears in front of them and being exposed in paranoia, but we aren’t done yet. Stand up at the head of the table, because it’s time to reveal your big secret: you’ve been shagging your wifed-up flatmate all term behind everyone’s backs. Massive bonus points here if the bf or gf is also present at the table and tries to claw your eyes out or throws some Brussel sprouts at your head.

If this doesn’t cause enough pandemonium for your liking, this is also the perfect time to let everyone know that you swapped out the veggie option, and the vegans have been eating meat all night.

Step 6: The grand finale

Whilst you watch the chaos erupt around you and have a little laugh, joker style, it’s time to make sure that dinner is well and truly ruined. Pick up that Lidl’s own vodka from beside you, take a big swig, and let all that burnt Christmas dinner fly down the table. With everyone’s nice outfits, cracker hats and presents covered in spew, it’s time to walk out with your head held high, knowingly you have truly, successfully, absolutely ruined Christmas.

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