Bristol University students’ dating disasters and sex scandals

‘He told me he finished really quickly because he’d been doing No Nut November’

1 year ago

It’s cuffing season huns. If you’ve managed to get past the ego bruising experience of declining likes from absolute creatures on Hinge, I’m sure you’ve had your fair share of disturbing first dates.

Nothing’s worse than sitting down for drinks with someone and immediately wishing the ground would swallow you up. Within the first 5 minutes of them opening their mouth, you can tell that the date will be going nowhere but the group chat to get slagged off.

To make you feel better about all the times you’ve had to pretend your flatmate was having an “emergency” in order to make a hasty escape, here are a few first date experiences that are bound to make your skin crawl.

First we have a haunting account of a first date that took place at the W.G Grace. Poor girl should’ve seen that as a red flag from a mile off.

“The boy asked me if I’d ever spoken at a funeral before and told me about his severe health anxiety. When I ghosted him, he double messaged me asking what he could do to improve as he never gets past the first date.”

So weird that he never gets past the first date. I wonder why?

Surely a first date getting a few pints at Spoons is the perfect setting to bring up eulogies and panic attacks…After making this poor girl get the first round of drinks, he quickly and effectively trauma dumped his way to rejection.

Terrible location, terrible conversation and definitely deserving of a ghost. The request for feedback also seems a bit like a guilt trip. No offence but there’s no coming back from that one babes.

And if by some miraculous turn of events, you do make it past the first date, it only seems to get worse from there:

“He insisted we keep Southpark on the whole time and kept his socks on”

Why would you even consider putting on Southpark in the background? Listening to irritating cartoon children surely killed the vibe, especially if you got distracted and just ended up tuning into to the story line. Happens to the best of us.

I’m sure this was an absolutely insufferable experience for you and I sincerely hope you’re never subjected to watching that show ever again. I’m imagining this boy getting visibly upset when you asked him to turn it off.

“He told me he finished really quickly because he’d been doing No Nut November.”

No this is actually shameless. Had he made it to the end of November or had he romantically decided to break his abstinence just for you? I honestly dread to think how hard it was to hold back laughter after being told that as a dead serious excuse.

“He asked me for feedback after a one-night stand.”

The awkward pillow talk continues. From making excuses to honestly just accepting that they’re shit in bed. I really don’t know what’s worse. I’m so glad he’s looking to improve but no one wants to be put on the spot like that. I’d probably prefer if they just left without a word.

“Played Uno on their bed instead of moving to them”

How many Uno reverse and pick up four cards did you have to whip out before you decided nothing was going to happen and it was time to leave. Nothing like a late night Uno tournament to put off intimacy.

However, even after you’ve parted ways you’re still not safe from the consequences of what you thought would just be an innocent one night stand.

If this hasn’t put you off the dating world forever I encourage you to go and spread your single wings and endure some gruelling first dates. If you’re quick you might even manage to get wifed up for Christmas xxx