You are guaranteed to get with one of these eight Bristol Uni boys this term

Bristol University, a place filled with opportunity, adventure, new friends and the following eight men you will inevitably fall for.

Bristol may be a place like no other, but it’s nonetheless home to these painfully generic characters.

Perceive this list as you wish – whether that be a guide or a warning. But, whatever you do, always change your bedsheets and don’t for a second think he’ll text you back.

The ‘super rich but dresses poor’ boy

This is the kid Pulp wrote ‘Common People’ about. With his shoulder length dark hair pushed behind his ears and baggy tracksuit bottoms to match his lax aesthetic, little do you know that his parents are actually doctors from Harrogate and his middle name is Arthur.

Probably residing in a flat above a kebab store in Stokes Croft (he loves it’s urban vibes), you’ll likely find this gentrifying gaslighter somewhere near The Full Moon on a Wednesday night.

Mullet Man (or should I say boy)

Silver Chain and Stone Island jumper on, this Billy Ray knockoff is yet to find a personality of his own so will instead leach off yours.

Other defining features are over-worn cargo trousers and rings from Urban Outfitters. You’re extra likely to fall victim to this home counties cretin if your outfit of choice is flairs and white reeboks. There’s nothing these boys want more than a girl who’s equally “alternative”.

Rugby Lad

Now not to be confused with Mullet Man as the two are quick to converge. Spotted in Gravity on Monday night, likely engaging in some homoerotic activity with his “teammate” and pent up with generational male rage, DO NOT be fooled by the girth of this beast’s thunder thighs.

Maybe your biology is inclined to believe that hairy legs equal a stronger partner, but the reality is this kid considers Huel a meal and will probably cut in front of you in the queue at Parsons.

The Guy that ‘doesn’t go to uni’

Now this is a great one. Whether he’s recently graduated or a Bristol local, this guy could very well be your last chance at civility. Usually spotted at clubs on The Triangle due to the easy access bus routes, this guy will ooze confidence until you ask him what he wants to do with his life.

Available at all times of day and lacking in most areas of pretence that Bristol students live by, this guy will be all fun and games for about 5 minutes until you start missing the desperate instability of those private school guys you’ve been shagging all term.

The Indie Boy

Painfully desperate to be different at any cost, including your mental health, this guy is the basis of all things beam_me_up_softboi. Fresh off a gap year in Vietnam and constantly bleaching his buzz cut in an attempt to subdue his dark roots and the privileged past that accompanies them, his arrogance is both uncontrollably endearing and the height of infuriating.

Likely found slumming it in Hiatt Baker, a far cry from his North London upbringing, this guy will reel you in with promises of underground gigs and knock off red stripe.

The outright Tory

A strange find in such a fashionably liberal city, it’s easy to forget Bristol is the go to spot for those “Daddy’s money” Oxbridge rejects. Usually spotted on the U1 back to Churchill, these boys have never cooked a day in their lives and will be quick to mention that time they went sailing with Boris’ cousin.

Explaining their grandfather’s signet ring to you in minute detail, you’ll question what you’re doing but that deep Jeremy Vine-esque voice will have you shunning the left in no time and jumping right into his John Lewis bed sheets.

The wannabe DJ

Nothing says Bristol quite like the middle class kid who thinks he can make “music”. Probably found somewhere around UH, this guy moonlights as a club rep and uses “safe” in every other sentence. What he owns in swanky music equipment he lacks in self awareness, the latter of which is epitomised in his council estate themed EP covers.

Inviting you to his set somewhere in Broadmead, his sudden popularity amongst other Palace wearers will reel you in, just to never hear from him again aside from some hideous event advertising in your halls group chat. Yikes.

The normal Guy

Understated in every way, this man must be protected at all costs. Sat with his similarly simple friends in the Balloon Bar wearing 2016’s best H&M shirt, this guy is equal parts unaware of trends as he is straightforward. Whilst he may very well look like everyone else if he were to attend a more modest university, his downplayed subtlety speaks louder than any of the aforementioned mullets or rings in a city like Bristol.

With all the supposedly unique characters running up and down Bristol’s brutal hills, nothing feels safer and sweeter than those few guys who still wear Topman jeans. Spot this king in the cheesy room at SWX and prepare for the best three minute missionary of your life.

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