Here are your shameless starter packs for every fresher hall at Bristol Uni

Warning: savage content

3 years ago

Everyone tells you that halls are “the ultimate uni experience”, where virtuous thoughts go to die and everyone’s competing in who can straw-pedo a bottle of wine the fastest. No matter how hard you try to avoid it, you’ll end up living your hall stereotype to its worst degree.

Having endured the torture of being dragged to Gravity more times than hearing “anyone want a balloon”, I decided it was time to discover the true identity of each Bristol hall. So why not cut to the chase and have a look at our truly terrible list of starter packs intended to reassure you that you are living up to the stereotype you were so worried you’d become.

Hiatt Baker

It would be difficult to find a catered hall which is in worse condition, and the food you end up getting is no different, even earning itself a well-deserved Instagram page. The self-catered version isn’t as bad – just get used to the nightly fire alarms, sticking LED lights on every available wall, and ending up deep into your overdraft by the second month. And no, for the 8th time, I don’t have any baccy on me.

Wills

Have no shame whatsoever. They live for Waitrose and Vietnam was so cultural, thanks for asking. Wills residents are the ones you see taking an Uber into campus every morning. Everyone hates on them, chants about them, but they secretly want to be them (or at least go on a Ski holiday with them).

Badock

A theme park for middle-class kids who are only here to sesh for three years before they end up with a banking job in the city. On most nights, you’ll probably find yourself surrounded by numerous keys that unlock to nothing but a spaceship. The whole experience feels like an indulgent contest to be the edgiest.

University Hall

Residents will make it clear that they know it’s not very glamorous but that they LOVE it – and most importantly, it’s cost-effective. UH is full to the brim with socialists and Sainsbury’s Basic bitches, and pretty much all of them applied for Hiatt Baker first.

Durdham

The least edgiest people in Bristol, you won’t find them flaunting some vintage flares down Park street anytime soon. D for Durdham, D for dead x

Churchill

Wannabe Wills residents, or Hiatt Baker catered rejects. All their clothes belong to the deep pits of Depop and, unless you want to be talked at for the next four hours, don’t you dare bring up their gap year.

Goldney

This place screams aesthetic. Once you’ve conquered the 80-degree hill, you’ll never leave. And what’s not to love? Gorgeous grounds and rooms that don’t typically feel like prison cells, residents at Goldney are smug and they know it. They’re basically all vegan, from SE England, and they love their resident cat.

City Centre halls

Not unique enough to deserve separate starter packs. They all spend an average 45 minutes a day walking up hills to make it to class which ends up being worth it for the toned legs and famous “Bristol bum”, but less worth it for the sweat they end up drenched in. The location means you don’t have to dedicate an entire day to Cabot, and you could host a late pres and make it to SWX on time. But what’s the fun in that if you don’t have to leg it to the U1 bus stop with all your drunk mates and get off so one of them can throw up? You were over uni before it even started.

Also, it seems pretty much all the international students are in these halls, so you can meet even more interesting people who aren’t just from North London.