Here’s why you should screw Stoptober and drink a large amount of alcohol this month
You’re uni students for God’s sake
A worrying trend has recently begun to grip university students across the land. This trend is as insidious and pervasive as it is repugnant and flawed. I call this trend- sobriety.
Once students glorified in the great drinks brewed, distilled and perfected by our forefathers of old. Whether it was a fine Scotch whiskey or a dire Sambuca shot, we necked it back to the roar of the crowd, the warmth of social approval coursing through our veins like the cheap alcohol we had forced down before it.
Yet recently the spectre of sobriety has emerged in the form of a new sinister phenomena- that of 'Stoptober'. Students are now being encouraged to abstain from their favourite reds, whites, brown ales and VK blues for a period of 31 days to encourage healthy living and raise funds for charity.
The philanthropic element of this I of course completely accept and support- charities like Macmillan do excellent work and I could never fault students parting with their hard pressed funds for such a cause.
However, increasingly there seems to be a number of students who bafflingly aren't going dry for 'Stoptober' or 'Dry January' for charity. Rather, they are doing it purely for themselves!
There seem to be a number of problems with this. The first, the sheer abstract length of time proposed. There seems little reason to only stop drinking for 31 days and nights. It is not rooted in the scientific- alcohol can stay in your hair for up to 90 days- nor the biblical- Jesus managed 40 days and nights in the desert.
Then of course, there's what happens after you resume drinking alcohol. Inevitably, you won't slip back into the swimming pool of lubrication with caution and reserve, dipping a toe in to test the waters of inebriation. You're going to dive straight back into the deep end, wham bam, another five shots mam, the whole 24 carat white girl wasted experience to toast the end of your enforced sobriety.
With your alcohol tolerance low and your sense of achievement high, you'll be binned before it's even 10:30pm. By the time the taxis get there, you'll be fighting the battle with gravity; when it's time to queue for the club you'll have signed an unconditional surrender and collapsed into the gutter. It's like jet lag: your hours will be off, inducing confusion and disarray into your poor, pummeled brain.
But aside from the lack of logic or inevitable painful consequences in choosing to abstain only for a month, there is something more significant at stake here, a wider, more fundamental principle for why you should carry on drinking at university with care free aplomb.
It's this: drinking is not an inherently evil thing to do. Drinking is good, drinking is fun and, if done responsibly, drinking can indeed be healthy. Our great leaders throughout history- Francis Drake, Admiral Nelson, 'Squiffy' Asquith, Winston Churchill- enjoyed a pint or a Pol Roger. Why shouldn't we too?
This will be the only time in our lives when we, with a song in our hearts and a bottle in our hands, can embody pure joie de vivre and sample all the rich pleasures the local Co-Op has to offer. So let's make the most of it before it's too late. Screw Stoptober and viva la Buckfast!