No matter how old you are, you’ll never forget how tragic Moo Moos Cheltenham was
And their faux-chandeliers
One cannot fully comprehend the tragic townie club that is MooMoo’s without first grasping the context of Cheltenham.
You see, that what is so perfect about a night a la MooMoo’s, the 10th worst club in the country. It is SO Cheltenham. Chelt is a place where the word “chav” was actually coined. We’ve all heard it, stemming from the mixture of “Cheltenham” and “average”, you know when entering Moo’s you’re going to find them there and in big numbers.
However, it also is the same place that has the most poncey posh schools all shoved in a small circumference. Painting this picture, you can see how, quite appropriately, the atmosphere in Moo’s supplies some “beef”. Posh cows and chavy mutts, dressed to the nines (sort of). Some have said it is a perfect setting for Cinderella. As often a Bournside babe may find herself getting off with a Cheltenham College prince. Oo la la.
Also, expect dirty r’n’b beats to get you bumpin’ and grindin’ all night long…. Well, until they shut at 3 am and the entirety of Moos heads to KFC. Could there be a better night out? Yeah probably.
The young ones are always far too orange
How can I elaborate? I’m unsure how to convey it as more tragic then I have. You can grasp from my inclusion of school names that the majority of the club are nervous in the queue, their young hearts beating fast as they recite the pre-learnt post code. It’s quite cute isn’t it, until you see them inside slut-droping in their cloned outfits, tight and often neon clothing. How can they think that looks good? Make up so thick, you question weather they bought that orange shade from the B&Q paint aisle. Then again, its a pretty decent show from a 14 year old.
You won’t be able to stop yourself going back
Being 20, you admit Moo Moo’s to be a horrid vision from the past. Yet, we all have those moments, sat around with our friends, back in Chelt having a drink or two, and you all start to reminisce.
Remember that time when so-and-so was so drunk and her disco pants split and she was traipsing around with her fanny out? HAHA. Remember the time so-and-so got off with that Cheltenham College guy and then all those girls shouted at her and turns out he had a girlfriend crying in the corner? HAHA, what a dick! Remember that time so-and-so went home with so-and-so and then we had to go rescue her from his house? HAHA, awful night.
Can’t lie, those are all real life memories. Then, you hear it: “Moos?”, some mother fucker thinks we should go to Moo Moo’s and before you know it, it’s done. You’re outside queuing with all the twats you hoped never to come in contact ever again. What the hell are we doing? Is this even a good night to go out anymore? Fuck, I hope the upstairs isn’t closed.
Life hack: If you go out and the upstairs of Moo Moo’s is closed, you should leave. It will be the shittest night out, ever. In the history of going out.
If there’s anything good to say, it’s that I’ve met some absolute babes in the toilets.
It’s officially the 10th worst club in the country
Alas, Moo’s, you are shit, and you are tragic. You’ve been voted the 10th most tragic club in the UK. But, you will always have that sentimental place in our hearts. A fundamental place, where we all got sloppy drunk with our mates for the first time. Not only that, but you’ve helped many lose their virginities, you’ve helped the worst school sweethearts break up. You’ve helped best friends make the ultimate memz. And for that, we salute you. May those fake chandeliers haunt our Cheltenham dreams.