I went to Polo Nationals and they’re as posh as you thought

I’m not even going to try and defend it

This started as one of those, ‘don’t hate me because..’, but then I realised I have no leg to stand on. I went to the Universities Polo Nationals and some of the things I overheard were absolutely astonishing. Everyone is really nice and all, but my ears were ringing with strings of ‘mummy, daddy and Veuve Clicquot’.

Aggressively posh

‘I was born to live in Barbados’

‘Look at that girl, wasting that champagne, she’s drinking it through a bloody straw’ (translated from French)

Some of the things were laughable, and some were just rude. At events like this everyone believes they are in a protected bubble where everything is ok, when really it isn’t. You’d suspect the polo party (and yes, I did just hear myself) would be pretty tame. It’s like giving a load of young adults the ability to do whatever the fuck they want. One male player punched a girl last year and then proceeded to call himself an ambulance, and this year two people had sex right in the middle of everyone, absolutely savage.

Ready for the party yah

‘I’d rather be in ISIS than go to Warwick’

‘I’m really looking forward to the ski trip’, ‘yah same but I’ve never skiied anywhere but Verbier and Val,’ ‘tell me  about it, Les Arcs seems a bit plebby’

‘(in tears) Mummy Fiasco was really playing up and I just couldn’t hit the ball. Is the sushi still in the car? I need cheering up’

These are actual quotes. They sound made up but they’re not. It’s all really great fun, and all the unis come together in a very elaborate fashion and get loose. Everyone is drunk most of the four days and probably some of the worst polo ever seen is played. But everyone really gets on, Bristol even had a good old jolly with UWE.

Bristol and UWE being friends? Silly polo

‘Mummy is all the wine and champagne in the fridge for us? We will get through it before the weekend is out’

‘Oh my god that girl is spraying champagne all over that horse, fucking wastegash.’ ‘That’ll be prosecco, don’t worry’

‘Darling, will you stop moaning. I told you, Daddy said he was bringing your Barbour and your Hunters with him’ – Polo mother

‘Honestly have you seen her costume. What a slut, I mean REALLY, leopard print. How fucking common’

‘Lets bloody nail them. I can’t deal with this humiliation anymore, why does everyone hate us?’

Playing polo at university is really the cheapest way you’re ever going to play the sport. It’s worth saving up for and you really don’t need to rely on mummy and daddy to get you there. It’s nice to get out of the city for a bit, and everyone is very friendly (most of the time).

This wasn’t so friendly

But really, I have no defence. It’s one of the poshest things at university but it’s not nasty, and no one would ever think they were more elite because of it. I really don’t think people understand how sport brings different groups together, and polo is no exception. It’s not an exclusive club, people just think it is.

Where are the jackets for the captain?

‘Guys, guys. I really think we should get Bristol Polo Jackets because I want everyone to know I’m Bristol Polo Captain – Guess who.