It’s time to call bullshit on pointless uni league tables

They really don’t matter

Now, I’ve got some little protégées in my life and they’ve all been applying to University. Bless them, it’s so cute. They have the ability to choose to be anything they want to be right now: An edgy roadman at Leeds, a drug addict at Manchester, a posh twat at Exeter – whatever they want. Bristol is obviously where they should go. But the other day when I told a youngster “Bristol is fun and its got such a great rep, definitely consider it” their response astounded me. Brace yourselves, because it will make any Bristol students stomach churn like food poisoning from Taka Taka:Yeah, but my mum said go to Bristol if I all I want to be is a teacher. I mean in The Guardian league tables this year its only ranked 35th in the country.”

I threw up in my mouth. Maybe at the words “The Guardian” or maybe at the phrase, “league tables”,  or even the ranking place of “35th” – but, either way, I definitely vommed up.

I may be stating the obvious here but it’s a fucking joke. I feel like writing to someone and complaining. My beautiful A-level results apparently aren’t what I even needed. Instead we should have saved our efforts and got shit grades so we could go the the University of Surrey (no offence if you attend Surrey) because that, according to the stupid Guardian, is just below Oxbridge now. Apart from it’s definitely not because it’s all bullshit.

Fuck off guardian wankers

Fuck off guardian wankers

Heriot-Watt, UEA, Glasgow, Reading, Leicester, Aston, Strathclyde – these are only a few of the many other universities named to be ranked higher than us at Bristol. It’s only a matter of time before UWE surpasses us.

In any real life situation, give an employer the choice between a Bristol grad and a Surrey grad, I would bet my whole student loan on the graduate they’d rather hire. Bristol is ranked by the Times as 37th in the world, so how can it only place 35th in the UK? It makes no sense.

Anyone with a brain cell can see the league tables are utter bollocks, and to all the young people out there, maybe the league tables shouldn’t be something you or your parents are paying attention to. What about what best suits you as an individual? Do you fit in? After all it’s you and not your parents who will have to spend three years of your life at this university and choosing a place that fits your personality is absolutely crucial.

Surrey doesn't have these vibes. They're not cool enough.

Does Surrey have a Tokyo World? Nah, mate they’re not cool enough.

Love a wild night out on the town? Go to Cardiff or Birmingham. Love sport and always will? Loughborough. Love liberty and good vibes? Bristol. Love being a neek? Cambridge. Jack Wills and boarding school bant? Exeter. Want to marry a Prince? St. Andrews. There’s a place for us all babe so don’t stress.

Bristol has the best buildings by far

Bristol has the best buildings by far

For the rest of us who already attend Bristol, do not fear. These league tables may not phase us, but they must be stopped. They are our defamation to our institution and reputation. In the classic Bristol way, we must protest. Write strong worded letters to our Chancellor, hold up cardboard signs outside the ASS! Blame the bloody SU! Do what we have to do – Justice must prevail!