Everyone you will meet at Stoke Bishop

The BNOC

Walking to the Transport Hub with this person is like being bodyguard to Justin Bieber on his own tour. This student has somehow managed to be friends with every single person to have ever graced the parameters of Stoke Bishop.

The Etonian

Or they may be an Upphinghamian, or a Radleian, or a Harrovian…

The food thief

We’ve tried labelling our food DO NOT TOUCH, we’ve tried hiding our food in secret locations in the fridge, which were never known to have existed, and we’ve even tried CCTV. Nothing works. Food simply tastes better if it belongs to other people.

The gap-yah

There are those people who have spent the most amazing year abroad and you wouldn’t even know, and then there are those who manage to fit an anecdote from their gap year into any social interaction. Anything and everything manages to invoke a story from that one time on their “spiritual, political and cultural” excursion to a deserted rural village no-one has ever heard of.

The one who turned super edgy

They turned up at uni head-to-toe in Hollister, and within one week have traded this for a Ralph Lauren cap, an 80s Adidas top, and the first vintage jacket they could find in the nearest charity store.

The social butterfly

They cannot spend a minute on their own. Someone is talking in the corridor? They’re joining in. Did someone mention a night out? They’re going with. They don’t stay in one place for more than about three minutes, but when you do see them they’re probably one of the nicest people to chat to.

The model student

While everyone else logs onto Blackboard so rarely that their account is at risk of being suspended, and expects a round of applause if they attend a 9am, this person has always done all their readings (plus the extras), and even an 11am lecture means no going out the night before.

The mum

There’s always the mum of the group: the one who makes sure everyone has their cab money, the one who dissolves the fights on the WhatsApp group, and of course the one who takes care of her brood when they’ve had a little too much to drink.

The one who can cook anything in the microwave

They started with the generic penne pasta, but since then they’ve gone on to conquer scrambled eggs, sweet potatoes, and even crispy bacon.

The DJ

Security’s favourite once it hits 11pm. If you live within five doors of this person you’ll have to become nocturnal.

The one who hates noise

This is most likely the one who lives below, above, or next door to the DJ. They spend the majority of their time issuing noise complaints.

The one who always goes out

They frequent Bunker Mondays, go to all the sports socials even though they’ve never even joined a sports team, and of course Motion on a weekend goes without saying. You can retake an exam but you can’t retake a night out.

The one who never goes out

Socialising should be kept to a minimum at all times. I mean, travelling on the 16 bus once a day will more than suffice. You simply can’t ask any more of this person.

The one who is always wearing gym gear

Chances are they’re not even on their way to the gym.

Ironically, the one you never see

You see their stuff in the fridge, you hear the odd cough resonating from their room, but to actually see them in the flesh is a rare phenomenon.