Everything you’re getting wrong about your lesbian friend

It is never appropriate to ask about dildos


Most people at uni are used to the fact that people identify as different sexualities and that it makes no difference to how they should be treated.

However, a lot of people seem to be fairly naïve about what it’s acceptable to say to their lesbian friends, or overcompensate trying to prove they’re not homophobic by openly asking fairly intimate questions.

There’s so much media and entertainment about gay men, the world has been left in the dark a little about lesbians.

For those of you getting your lesbian crash course from Orange is the New Black, it is not an accurate representation of lesbian relationships, although it has to be given credit for displaying the wide range of sexualities there are, rather than just straight or lesbian.

So here is what you’re probably getting wrong about your lesbian best friend.

She doesn’t ‘look like a lesbian’

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It changes day to day

That’s because there’s no such thing as looking like a lesbian.

It sounds obvious but you’d be surprised how often people are surprised if someone who identifies as a lesbian doesn’t fit the stereotypes in their mind.

What is the expected reply to this? Is it a compliment? An insult?

What is weirder is that sometimes people take it back, “oh, no actually you do look quite lesbian-ish today”.

Do they think they’re doing the girl a favour and that they’ll thank them and run back home to chop their hair short and wear a shirt done up to the top button, just so all the other lesbians know they’re one of them?

Lesbians don’t hate men

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No he isn’t my ‘beard’, he’s my best friend

They aren’t lesbians because they hate men or they had a bad experience with a guy. It is just because they are attracted to girls.

There might be specific men she doesn’t like, but there will also be girls she doesn’t like so that’s definitely not a lesbian thing.

In fact, my best friend is male and people often ask us if we’re together. Sometimes we tell them and sometimes we go along with it because we think it’s hilarious.

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It isn’t attractive, just terrifying

It’s true she probably doesn’t like penis but most straight girls don’t think they look that great either. Sorry boys.

She doesn’t want to answer your questions about sex

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It’s a fairly simple concept and yet so many people are baffled

Yes lesbian sex is “real” sex and it’s more than just foreplay.

It’s okay  if it’s a close friend and they are fairly serious about it, but trust me, when virtual strangers ask what sex toys you own its pretty intrusive.

There’s not even a simple answer to any of these questions, it changes. It can change from person to person, who that person is with or just day to day, just like any sex.

Yes, it’s true that there’s no “main event” like heterosexual sex but why does that matter? The “main event” is whatever those two people decide it to be and that doesn’t make it any less real.

If she kisses you when she’s drunk, it’s not because she fancies you

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It’s exactly like when straight girls kiss straight girls: no one knows if there’s an explanation for it, it’s just something we do when we’re drunk.

There is an equivalent however, as sometimes lesbians kiss guys in clubs. That might be because many people don’t identify as 100 per cent homosexual and do actually find that guy attractive.

On the other hand it might be exactly like straight girls kissing another girl in the club and for some reason it seems like a hilarious thing to do when drunk.

Don’t then question her sexuality, she’s allowed to have fun with who she likes without everyone asking what that means about her romantic inclination.

She doesn’t ‘have it easy’

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Lesbian relationships are no easier just because both people are the same sex and therefore understand each other better.

Again, everyone is different. Okay, it’s easier to talk about things like periods because they have a better understanding of what you go through, but in terms of almost everything else there’s no difference.

Plus there’s less people out there available. She certainly doesn’t “have it easy” when it comes to finding a girlfriend and one night stands are almost completely out of the question.

According to our survey 13 per cent of people at Bristol identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual, so that doesn’t give us very good odds that the girl we see dancing in Lounge is a lesbian.

It’s far too embarrassing to ask, so it’s hardly possible without going to a gay club and even then there are more straight girls than lesbians.

So, it’s okay to want to know more and ask questions sometimes, but maybe consider if you know the person well enough before you ask for their sexual entire history.