I can’t be alone in thinking glitter doesn’t make you look hot or wavey

What is it with Bristol and stupid trends? First there were bucket hats, top knots, vintage looks, and other disastrous looks reminiscent of a children’s dress up box. These days though, there’s a new look for nights out, one which is more stupid, pointless and impractical than any before it.

It’s a look I like to call “I stuck my head in a bucket of glitter”. Now sometimes glitter can work, but when your plastering it over your face for Lizard Lounge there is something wrong with you.

I understand as girly girls we all have a desire to look like a princess. But I’m afraid glitter doesn’t make you into Anne Hathaway. You’re not going to meet Prince Charming. In fact people may as well point you in the direction of a six-year-old’s birthday party, because that’s how stupid you look.

Not flattering

Ohh maybe you think you’re inventive? Karl Lagerfeld or Versace may never have thought of it, God knows why? Why wouldn’t they want their patrons looking like a nativity play costume gone wrong?

Covering yourself from head to toe in neon pink glitter doesn’t make you edgy, it makes you the most hated member of your student house because the shower will have pink glitter on it for eternity.

However, I know I’m not going to stop you, so if you are going “to glitter”, as I recently heard it referred to, at least do it well. On costumed nights, glitter can actually help. Yes glitter will make you look like a sexy unicorn and will make you a magnificent butterfly. But don’t plaster it on for Motion or Lounge to try and be more wavey or fit. It will only make you look like you got lost in the arts and crafts section of Wilkos on the way to your night out, and it’s even worse if you just smear a dab on your lips in an attempt to be “restrained”.

Now, I’m not going to pretend glitter isn’t part of my life. I’ve worn it before. In fact I live in a house where what used to be an ironing board now serves as a “glitter station” (basically spilt glitter and many opened pots of Vaseline).

Every time my parents visit I have to lie to my mum, while dramatically shoving the board into a cupboard somewhere, telling her I’m a capable adult who irons her own clothes. In reality, the board helped me end up looking like a sparkling butterfly, oh wait no. Not a butterfly. Yeah that’s right, I look like a girl with glitter and some cardboard stuck to my back. Hell, butterflies don’t even have anything vaguely shiny to mandate this glittery stereotype.

I mean what would the teens from the 80s and 90s say when the saw us? A group of paralytic twenty-somethings, one holding back the cardboard, as sparkly vomit covers the street. Being a glitter bug may make you a walking neon disco ball, but it doesn’t give you any disco swag. If Baby Spice and the late 90s taught us anything it was this: glitter is for six-year-olds and fancy dress, not nights out and the communal shower.

Also, the amount of times I’ve seen glitter-clad people shamefully moving onto the bus at 8am to head up to Stoke Bishop is verging on the obscene now. What a great way to tell everyone what you did last night. You may sparkle, but you’re not a princess.