The best places in Bristol to have an existential crisis

When you’re feeling like human garbage and you’re up for falling into that dark hole of your questionable life choices, these are the prime places in Bristol to soften your sorry ass.

Boston Tea Party

Stay by the toilets because you’re a fucking mess

You’ll be sobbing into your green tea, but at least you’ll look sophisticated doing it. They probably see hundreds of weepy students a day. They’re there to offer a gluten-free cake or ten to help you eat your existential crisis into brownie oblivion. The several BTP branches around Bristol will cater to your needs and also have big bay windows, which you can stare longingly out of.

The Wills Memorial Library

People might think it’s performance art or something

Sit and contemplate why you are spending your days translating The Canterbury Tales. You’ll get a big slap on the back for leaving the house, but working in somewhere as grandiose as Wills Mem, with books bigger than the ego of a Law fresher, will make your existential crisis seem weightier. At least your head will be banging on an old mahogany desk which has been catering to existential crises for years.

Number 16 Bus Stop

#busstoplife #whereisthefuckingbus #ihatemylife #thesetearswontstopfalling

Someone else in that ridiculously long queue is probably having an existential crisis of their own. They might be crying over the fact they haven’t done their reading for the past SIX seminars, or they might just be crying because of the queue. Or maybe they live alone.

Lakota Smokers

Going to Lakota during the day will just make that existential crisis worse

If the stress is getting too much for you when you’re pulling shapes in Lakota and Mandy has made you feel all the feelings, go outside and take up smoking. You’ll look pensive with the fag your friend rolled for you because you “haven’t done it in a while”. Go and vent out all your issues to the clubber who’ll probably listen because they’re so zonked.

Harbourside

Maybe more GCSE photography project that Truffaut

Looking out at the water might help you calm down, but you’ll look like you’ve come straight out of some poncey French film. Walk around in a pea coat and smart scarf: you’ll look put together even when your life might be falling apart. If you go on a Saturday, maybe seeing all the young professionals coming out of Pryzm trashed at 2am will make you feel a little bit better about yourself.

Lizard Lounge

You’re not even inside mate get a grip

To some it’s where all their worries go to die, for others it feels like literal death. Whether you love it or you loath it the sounds of McFly blaring across the shitty speakers will block out all the thoughts about how your degree is pointless, and the VKs will help you forget about how you still haven’t organised any work experience for next year. I’d usually recommend lying down in the fetal position when having an existential crisis, but you might contract something left behind on the floor by an drunken romp in the middle of an S-Club 7 song.

Your hallway

A prime pity shower should follow if you can crawl  to the bathroom

Make sure your existential crisis hits home, and let all your flatmates know a life of last-minute essay-writing and sleeping in until 1pm is taking a major toll on you. You can no longer deal with the public scrutiny, and instead return home instead of having people stare at you as you cry in The Refectory. At least you’ll be doing it in the comfort of a familiar environment, and your flatmates will leave you to lie face-down on the floor only to give you a reassuring pat on the head at some point.