People are reviewing Lakota and Motion on TripAdvisor and it’s hilarious

‘It was full of crack heads’

After a big night at Motion or Lakota, you probably don’t want to do much more than lie on the sofa massaging your jaw and eating whatever leftovers are still in the fridge. Some people, however, can’t wait to jump online after their night out and post a review of their clubbing experience for all the world to see.

A quick look at TripAdvisor, Skiddle and Facebook shows reviewers are only ever in one of two minds when it comes to Bristol’s edgiest clubs. There aren’t many poor, average or good votes. It’s all terrible or fantastic.

The main theme which emerges is that reviewers claim both clubs are dark, dingy, and full of drugs. For some it’s the worst night ever but for others it’s the main attraction.

No house every weekend for you

In this review for Lakota, the people inside are actually described as “crack heads”. I’m pretty sure they’re more likely to hang out in a crack den than a nightclub. Also I think Toby W is flattering himself. I’m pretty sure they weren’t staring at him but at the pretty pattern on the wall over his shoulder.

They’re just balloons, honest

How many components did her drink have?

HAHAHAHA. Good on the bartender, that’s hilarious. That tells me he was too gone to pour the drink himself, which surely means you have to be having a good night. Also, too many people? It never ceases to amaze me when people describe a club as “too full”. It’s like saying: “I bought a can of baked beans and there were TOO many beans inside, crazy.”

Loved the trance so much he just had to tell everyone

This guy had a sick night. I really like this. “Incredibly nice people” is such a lovely way to describe people fucked up on MDMA. They are nice people.

Friendly to a fault

The DJ doesn’t take requests

I’d also like some dirty squidgy bass with that. Thanks.

I’m not really sure about how legitimate these reviews are, but the idea people out there actually feel the need to write them fills me with joy. All I want to do now is go to both Lakota and Motion very soon, especially if I get more squidgy bass.