Why you should dump by text

I’d like to get one thing straight. If you’ve been to IKEA with your boo, have discussed marriage and kids or on first name terms with their parents then move along please. This method is not for you. Have some goddamn respect and talk it out instead.

For the rest of us, sometimes we have to break it off with the person we were sort-of-seeing not-quite-dating occasionally-fucking for a few months.  Think you have to do that face to face?  You’re wrong, my friend.  There are many reasons why this is the best way to end it with your other half.

No more hotline bling for you boo boo

Have you ever tried to get someone to meet up with you for a break-up?  It’s tense.  Extremely tense.  You’ve already sent the text asking if you can meet up to “talk”.  You know what’s up, they know what’s up.  Why make the trip just to tell one another what you already know?  It’s over, pal. Lord knows I wouldn’t want to get on a bus just to be broken up with, then trundle back to my place on my own with mascara on my cheeks.

The only way people seem to avoid this is to pretend everything’s OK, then do a surprise break-up.  Is it just me or is that not cool?  You’re expecting cuddles and chilling with bae and you get a big fat dump thrown in your face.  No warning, no mercy.

Over text you get sweet, sweet privacy.  You can carry on with whatever menial task you were doing when you got the text without fear they’ll see your clammy, lip-wobbling face.  You can get your Tinder back in a matter of minutes.  You could post a fire selfie to Instagram.  You could run to your best mate for wine and hugs.  Yes, it might feel unceremonious at the time, but later on you’ll realise how great it was to grieve without your ex watching and awkwardly trying to comfort you.

When it comes to the wording, bear in mind breaking up in joke format seems pretty funny until it happens to you. This is only reserved for people who’ve seriously done you wrong, like kicked your grandmother in the face wrong. Otherwise, try to be honest without being brutal, and avoid annoying clichés. Yes, I know I’m a great girl and I’ll find somebody else. Try to be reasonable and make it a conversation, but not an argument. If your ex gets testy, try not to reply or you’ll be texting all day.

I’m sure some of you will have been in the same position as me when I say that dumping someone in person is really hard to do.  You rehearse what you’re going to say over and over but then they’re here in your living room and they smell familiar and they look at you with their bleary eyes and you forget every damn thing you were going to say.  Shakespeare it is not.

Your break-up becomes a meaningless jumble full of pauses as you try to put into words exactly why you’re breaking up with them.  Texting allows you to plan.  Every word can be thought out clearly to allow minimum dickheadedness.  Also, for the weaker of those among us who might be lulled into submission by their SO’s puppy eyes, texting offers no such distraction.

So let’s try to remove the bad rep from texting.  What are your other options?  A phone call?  It’s 2015, grandma.  Text, dump and be merry.  Just be considerate when you do it.  Don’t be drunk, and no emojis.