What’s the worst thing in Bristol?

Where have all the fit boys gone?

| UPDATED

Sainsbury’s in the late afternoon

Hordes of lifeless people, debris falling to the floor and the inescapable feeling you may never leave. Welcome to Sainsbury’s in the late afternoon. The kind of Vietnam you didn’t see on your gap year, with queues which have the ability to make grown men cry.

Screaming freshers buying Rum to pre for Lakota (bless them), an angry third year pushing you out of the way to get the last Uncle Ben’s quinoa packet and people on group-led food shops who can’t hear you when you scream at them to move out of the way. Let me buy my hummus in peace.

The ASS library

If you only need 40 per cent this year, you don’t need to be here

My opinion of the ASS library is similar to Nigel Farage’s opinion of the UK. It’s filled with enormous quantities of mob-like freshers who don’t need to be there, and who overcrowd a public place which should only be used by those who need it. Freshers: get out of the library. You don’t need to use it, and we don’t need you swanning around in Ralph Lauren hoodies and chinos, in a pathetic attempt at making friends. Libraries are places of learning, not socialising.

The Bunker toilets without doors

You’ll see things in Bunker’s toilets you’ll never be able to forget

It’s like looking into a portal to Narnia if Narnia was some guy with a man bun taking a shit.

The number of hills

Not for the faint-hearted. It seems every place worth going to in Bristol is up a fucking awful hill, making trainers an essential if you plan on ever leaving your house.

The Motion drip

Avoiding the drip the only way she knows how

The product of hours of drugged-up students salivating.

Middle-class people who dress like they’re homeless to seem cool

Fresh from a trip to a villa in the south of France and some riding in the Cotswolds funded by Daddy’s corporation, how do I show everyone I’m actually a really sound guy? Easy. Just dress like a homeless person to shirk any kind of connection to my middle class background. Edgy for life….(or at least until summer comes around again and I have that Deutsche Bank internship).

Library boyfriends and girlfriends

The ASS is a terrible place, and we all know it. Most use it as a social jaunt, few use it to study. Either way, spend a few hours in the artificially lit monstrosity of a building and your very living essence will be sucked from your body. The only small silver lining lies in spotting your library boyfriend or girlfriend – your library crush. The person, who, when you lock eyes with them on a day-to-day basis, makes you think: maybe the ASS isn’t so bad?

Next time, when you peek over the green separating panel at your lib bae, maybe pluck up the courage and have a chat. An ASS romance may blossom. After all, the ASS should be good for something, because we all know it’s not good for much else.

The radio station in the Refectory

Can someone please please turn that music off?

Imagine a cross between the playlist in Popworld and your mum’s MP3 player. Nothing makes sitting eating a sub-par breakfast consisting of a snotty egg and slimy bacon worse,than listening to Hips Don’t Lie. Apart from the fact you’re also in the Refectory of course.

The SU

No wonder it’s always this empty

They gave out welcome calendars to freshers and got all the dates wrong. They even had a four day week in December. Do they not know there are seven days in week? Hopeless. Also the building looks like a dystopian architect’s wet dream. Seriously, that thing looks like it’s from the communist bloc. Also where even is the SU building, and why should we care? It’s MILES away.

The lack of good-looking boys

So many girls in need of fit boys

Everyday on your way to lectures you will see at least 10 girls who physically take your breath away. They’re so beautiful and leave you hanging your head in shame. And then you realise…hang on…where are all the good-looking boys?

You look around aimlessly, and soon give up all hope. There just aren’t any.

Bunker bouncers

It’s plain and simple. The Bunker bouncers must suffer from some sort of psychosis. Somehow, they truly believe they have more power than Barack Obama and Kim Jong-un put together. They think Bunker isn’t a shitty nightclub on the triangle, but somehow a club on the level of Berghain in Berlin. Ridiculous. We all know you probably still live at home with your mum, so stop shouting at us for no reason.

Woodland Road

Why take a perfectly nice set of houses and attach an ugly red tunnel to them?

Bristol is a pretty good university. We’ve got an amazing reputation, fantastic facilities (excluding the ASS library of course) and a great social scene. So why did anyone decide Woodland Road was a good idea? Clearly they ran out of ideas and thought “We’ll call the buildings ‘villas’ and no one will notice how shit it is”. When I hear the word villa I picture a house in the South of France with shutters and ivy growing on the walls. Not a slightly average road of buildings on a rainy street in Bristol.

Anyone who has ever been to any of the “Lecture Theatres” in Woodland Road knows they don’t even compare to the state-of-the-art Priory Road complex or the absolute beauties concealed in the Physics Building (the eighth wonder of the world). The sciences students know they have it better than us and that’s fine, we’ve accepted that. However I’m willing to bet the kids at Bristol Grammar School laugh at us because even they don’t have classrooms as terrible as Woodland Road.

Also, they smell so weird inside, almost like play-doh.

Lizard Lounge on a weekend

It’s so expensive and gross. You might as well be burning a five pound note in a sticky STD-infested dungeon filled with creepy West Country locals.

Townies wearing high heels

I don’t care whether you’re used to being made to wear heels for Cuckoo, or Cirque. This is Bristol. Take off your Kurt Geiger sparkly heels, along with that matching dress and clutch.

Cardiff stag and hen dos

40 year old minge has never been so available, then again, why would we want it to be? Especially when it comes from Wales. Gag.

Taxis

Even students at UWE can figure out Bristol taxi drivers try and rip us off every single time they open their mouths.

UWE

Never go here

‘Nuff said.