Everyone in Bristol is really boring in bed

We’re too high to care about exciting sex

So much for being edgy: our favourite sex position is missionary, according to a recent survey.

Online pharmacy UK Medix recently asked men and women all over Britain about what they get up to between the sheets, and 32 per cent of people in the south-west chose missionary.

It doesn’t matter how wavey we pretend to be, deep down we all want to shag the same way our grandparents did.  I guess you could call it retro.

Don't be fooled by the garms, he wants to do it the old fashioned way.

Don’t be fooled by the garms, he wants to do it the old fashioned way

As far as contraceptives go, 54 per cent of us always have safe sex. The best places for safe sex are Northern Ireland and Scotland, but don’t go to Yorks & Humber if you want to stay child-free: only 32 per cent of them remember to consistently use protection.

We’re also extremely un-kinky. On a kink scale of 0-10 (zero being completely traditional and 10 being batshit crazy) the South West awarded themselves only three points.  Three measly points.  We’re like the Nick Cleggs of sex. Instead, the title of kinkiest region goes to the south-east, who scored themselves a nine.

Personally I find this study hard to believe.  We’re the land of pirates and Banksy.  We have a club on a boat.  There’s clearly some creativity in Bristol, it’s splashed about everywhere you look. So there’s no way we’re being so dull and boring in the bedroom.