Social etiquette for one night stands

After a few too many in a dimly lit club, your sweat-ridden arm smears against a fellow human. Through the haze of alcohol, your bleary eyes take in the sight before you.

A familiar being is taking over- the amorous drunk.

The majority of students will be able to tell you horror stories about their own experiences of one night stands- from awkward coital-conversations, to getting lost and waking up in a pool of your own vomit. The next time you feel your randier side take over, be prepared and stop yourself from cringing for eternity.

Avoid awful lines 

For some reason, people in the 21st century seem unable to comprehend the idea that pick-up lines have a very limited success rate. Even if they do succeed, chances are you’re going to be the topic of a lengthy group chat in which the line you dared to utter is completely torn to shreds.

Unless you want to forever be known as the wannabe-romantic who asked a girl to come back to yours to ‘read some poetry’, or the sleaze who wanted to know if she was from Iraq because you liked the way she “Baghdad ass up”, keep it simple. There’s nothing wrong with being direct, and it’ll limit the laughter and humiliation later on.

Get a taxi

If you’re drunkenly going home with someone, chances are you have a limited amount of time before you’re both vomiting, passing out, or crying. Upon leaving the club, pick the expensive option: get a taxi. Don’t be chivalrous- you’re both entering into a mutually beneficial arrangement, offer to split the taxi cost.

Besides, it limits the prostitute vibe massively. The last thing you want is to spend twenty minutes walking home together, with an excitable, drunken puppy besides you who keeps anxiously asking “So we’re going to have sex, right?”. The allure of the one night stand is the anonymity- don’t allow yourself to know a person long enough to become sexually repulsed by them.

Hills like this are the anti-aphrodisiac

Never forget your keys 

Swingers got it right when they factored in keys as a crucial element of sexual festivities. I’m not advocating partner swapping as being an essential component of the ideal one night stand, but using your keys for a more traditional purpose wouldn’t go amiss.

That’s right folks, although many people seem to forget this, we are actually given keys to unlock the doors of the places where we live. The doorbell is not a magical device that will transport you and your one night stand into the flat and into bed.

Incessant ringing will just piss off your flatmates, and ruin the covert nature of the ideal quickie. Don’t be the dick who wakes up everyone just because some unlucky victim has agreed to give you access to their genitalia. It’s not on.

For the love of God, use a condom 

People shouldn’t use the Tab for sex-ed, but even the most sensible of us can forget about how important it is to remember protection, especially if they’re very drunk. It’s understandable, really, you’ve had a good night and now you’re being promised sex. Everyone loves sex, so why shouldn’t you just throw caution to the wind and just have it?

If you thought the doorbell being rang by a  drunk flatmate was annoying, compare that to a screeching baby. Jeremy Kyle would be ashamed of you, and if you thought Jezza was judgemental, you’ve clearly not seen the disappointment on your flatmates’s faces when you admit that you couldn’t be bothered to use a condom. Spare yourself the shame, indignity, and chlamydia, and just use one- or you will get pregnant, and die.

Keep it in the bedroom, not in the communal areas

When bringing a new person into your environment, it can be hard to break the polite, British habit of giving a lovely tour of your place, or offering your guest a cup of tea. Never, ever, take your one night stand into any room other than your bedroom. If you take them into the living room, there lies a danger of you doing something very dark, something that should be forbidden under these circumstances. Having a conversation.

If you dare to engage in any verbal communication with your one night stand, they will become bored, and when boredom strikes, lusty thoughts enter the brain. Before you know it, you could be getting down to business in a non-designated-sexual-contact-area. Frankly, this is just plain revolting.

Nobody wants to think that their friend has defiled their Come Dine With Me watching spot, and no amount of cleaning will alter the fact that the nature of the once safe room has taken a disturbing turn. Avoid this by going straight to your bedroom. If anything, your one night stand will be flattered by how eager and insatiable you are. At the very least, it limits the chance that your flatmate will walk in on you ‘just having a cup of tea and a chat’, and nobody needs that conversation.

Foreplay is essential 

When Dante told the tale of the Inferno, he forgot to mention that there was another circle of Hell, strictly reserved for people who don’t bother with foreplay. Going into someone’s bedroom isn’t consent to surprise them with a sudden insertion of the D, and continue jackhammering away like you’ve got a penis shaped machine gun with unlimited ammunition between your legs.

When the girl contacts you the next day and says she’s struggling to walk, don’t think that it’s because of your sexual prowess and that she’s still in a post-orgasmic coma. It’s because without foreplay, you turned your body into a human battering ram and she’s in pain. Basically, if you think foreplay is an option, then you’re the worst person. Go home alone.

Choose your partner wisely 

This one should be obvious, but it’s amazing how many awkward situations are created which really could be avoided. Some basic rules should be applied when scouting for someone to share your bed/genitals with. Firstly, they shouldn’t be on your course. You may be able to use your mutual hatred of a particular subject as a good conversation starter, but reliving the fact that this person has seen you naked every time you walk into a tutorial is an experience no human being should have to endure.

Secondly, use caution when considering a one night stand with a friend. This could either turn into a mutually beneficial regular sex arrangement, or you’ll want to douse your entire body in bleach the next day when you realise that you’ve seen the dick of someone who you’re close enough to that they’re practically family. Plus be considerate of your other friends. The only thing worse than hearing one of your friends in a coitally-satisfied state is hearing two of your friends. Don’t scar them.

You wouldn’t want to wake up next to him

Keep track of where you put your clothes 

In the heat of the moment, you may feel like you’re the epitome of sex if you lustfully throw your clothes away with reckless abandon. This is a mistake. Once you’ve finished, you’ll realise that you need to get out of there. Whether it’s to vomit, clean up, or just escape your poor life choices, you need to leave- and fast.

The biggest hindrance to  your stealthy getaway is finding your clothes. Trousers, or a dress, are fairly easy to find, but there’s one article of clothing that is more impossible to find than life in Durdham. Underwear. When taking your clothes off, place your pants somewhere very visible, or else be prepared to go commando. Perhaps consider cutting out the middle-man and forgo underwear on all future nights out. You’ll thank me later.

Finally: Vomit is not good lubricant 

Chunderers, please go home. Sex is not for you right now.