Laughable magazine thinks Bristol Uni is full of skateboarders

The in no way ironically titled ‘Cooler’ magazine has declared the University of Bristol is the best uni to skate at in the UK. 

Cooler claims Bris is the place people who base their life decisions around a little wooden board with wheels on rather than academic achievement, getting a job, or even just getting fucked up.

Sick!! All the dudes will be pleased

Presumably referring to the five 15 year-olds with more spots than GCSEs regularly seen pulling off mad trickz down at College Green, the author declares Bristol to have a “buzzing skate scene” in her thoughtful article “7 Best Universities For Surfers, Snowboarders & Skaters In The UK.”

Indeed, a choice quote tells us that “you’ll be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn’t like skating on Bristol University campus.”

Debatable, considering firstly that our campus is situated on top of a fuck-off big hill – giving any keen skater limited flexibility in terms of direction – and secondly because we’re all too lazy/on a comedown/daddy bought us a car so what’s the point anyway.

The author informs us that skaters have “dominated the city since the 1970s” (presumably instead of junkies, the homeless or hordes of private schoolers), but maybe this rose-tinted view of the word isn’t surprising considering that she ‘spends winter in Morzine… and summers surfing her longboard in North Cornwall and loves, oh-so-cutely, watching “Scandinavian murder mysteries & spilling tea over most surfaces in her apartment.”

WTF is this

To be fair, this is but one of many mockable articles from a magazine whose creed is to (and I quote) “cycle to work, drink tea, practice yoga in our living room, take part in beach cleans and then lay down on our organic hemp towel and bathe in warm rays of undeserved self-satisfaction” (I added the last bit).

Where also could you find a piece pointing out the “10 people you always see at your weekly yoga class”, or asking that age-old question, “Is it dangerous to go surfing on your period?”

Its dogma tells us that the best way to be a good person is to share a video of a turtle with a plastic straw stuck up its nose and tell your friends that they should never, EVER use them again (yes, that is a real article) then jet off to your chalet in Morzine to recover from the stress of your one act of environmental conscientiousness; to take up yoga classes and top up your spiritual well-being by throwing money at it.