Hometown clubbing will leave you weeping on your knees

You’ll be surrounded by horny teens sucking face


The clubs and bars back home were once our introduction to booze-fuelled clubbing, the gateway to all future night outs we’d ever have. We didn’t question what we saw, we just accepted it – we knew no better. But now, we’ve been to bigger cities, better clubs and the holidays are here and we have to return to the nights out we thought we’d left in the past. And it’s horrible.

Firstly, there will be many people from your old school who you’re certain are too young to be out. Usually one in the group will have an eighteenth birthday badge. Either ignore them or say a quick happy birthday if you vaguely knew them enough back when they were in Year 10.

#bday #babe

#bday #babe

On top of that, the music will be chart music. It just will. You’re probably used to some deep house which you still can’t really identify but always say is your thing. Regardless, now you need to be prepared for some Katy Perry and One Direction remixes. But be even more prepared for the fact you may somehow know all the words and worse still, you may actually enjoy singing along.

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Club going up… on a Tuesday

There will also be more senior clientèle in a hometown club than you’d expect to see at uni, typically male and usually wearing a suit. There are two types: the creepy older man trying to pull a much younger person and the person who just wants tow twirl around to Come on Eileen and doesn’t really care about anybody else’s existence. Respect them both by giving them a fair bit of distance.


It’s the v-neck sweater that sets him apart

Aside from the oldies, everyone will be pulling everywhere. People don’t really go out for the music back home, instead it’s all about the pull. You’ll see the quiet boy/girl from school/college making out with someone in the middle of the dance floor and it will probably make you feel quite ill. Learn to look away and keep dancing while telling yourself you’re above it all now.


This will be occurring left, right and centre

It’s around this point when people from your friendship group in 2013 will rock up and you’ll have overly-dramatic reuniting hugs. You will also bump into people you got with in the past. It will be awkward but have a laugh about it or at least try to when you wake up the next morning hungover and questioning your past-self life-choices. No matter how bleak your teenage sexual history may seem with hindsight, at least past-you managed to get you to uni alright.


‘Remember when we sat next to each other in Maths? I miss you!’

Want to spend the night just getting hammered? That’s too bad, because your drinks will be made by the slowest bar staff in the world now you’re used to the speed of the big city. Unsurprisingly, you’ll become frustrated and find yourself saying “I just want to go and dance”. Ensure you pre hard to overcome this struggle.

Most of these problems could be avoided if you went out on a quieter night of the week, but let’s face it: student night is the only decent night out and even then it’s a push to say it’s good. Going out on any other night increases the chances the club will be empty or (at most) full of number 3s. Don’t bother taking the risk and get used to the fact you’ll have to rub shoulders with spotty-faced 18-year-olds every time you go out.


those school disco vibes

No matter how bad it gets, don’t get snobby and let all these things put you off hometown nights out altogether. Yes, you’re above this provincial clubbing scene now because you’re at a red brick university where the nightlife would get a first but remember your roots: these tacky bars and chain nightclubs are where you learned your first lessons about nights out. While you’ve learned a lot more since, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a really good shit night out with your old friends.